Monday, December 30, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Kentucky Fried Christmas

During a casual conversation with my manager the other day, I asked whether or not Christmas was celebrated in Asian nations, such as Japan. Well, here's my answer. different. But, I've got to say, it looks delicious. My mom's one hell of a chef, and she's cooked every Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner I've ever eaten. But I'm kind of thinking KFC on December 26th should be a new tradition. (There's no way in hell I'm spending $70 on it, though.)

Of course, lest you forget, the best thing to ever come out of Japan is still (and always will be) Ms. Hiromi Oshima:

Let your light shine, baby. Let it shine. Let's go.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Monday Kickstart: We've All Been There

The fellas at Guy Moments keep it one hunnit.

Ladies, you just can't get out of your own damn way sometimes.

Of course, when you do get out of your own way, beautiful things can happen. Inspiring things. And this week, inspiration, thy name be Brooklyn Winn:

...that's one hell of a name. Let's go.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Respect My Gangsta: Unknown Cat

This broad got what was coming to her. Plus some. Not even her punk ass dog wanted it.

Shameless Plug

This girl is the devil. Has to be. No one is so undeniably cool & hot. She's rewriting the definition of "wifey material" on a daily basis.

Throwback Thursday: "5 O'Clock" -- Nonchalant

They say nothing good happens after 2 a.m. I think that's a little unfair, since the majority of drunk hookups take place between 2 and 4 a.m. But after that? Yeah. Nonchalant and I will back you up on that.

The D.C. emcee disappeared after her debut album in '96. This is one of those tracks that take me back to my high school days, listening to the radio while doing homework.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


I'm not sure what's going on in this video...which puts me on even footing with the two hosts. Can't believe Merriman didn't turn the lights out on his way out the door. Whatever caused his exit, he certainly

*gets up and leaves*

Monday, December 16, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Flirting with Stupidity (F.O.H.)

This .gif has made the rounds on the internet the last couple of weeks, but deserves further viewings. When Jennifer Lawrence, in all of her youthful, god-given beauty is on your magazine's cover, isn't that enough? Or, as Buzzfeed puts it, "If we’re digitally editing perfection, what hope is there for the rest of us?!"

This is ridiculous. Lawrence's looks are already considered an ideal that 99% of women in the world could only dream of matching. And it's all the more maddening for them that she is 100% natural. So why did Flirt find it necessary to photoshop her appearance? If you don't think a 23-year-old actress considered almost universally to be the hottest thing in Hollywood looks good enough for your magazine cover, maybe you should just stick to Japanese anime.

From the bottom of our hearts, Flirt:

Fuck outta here. I mean. seriously, how is this not inspiration enough for your readers?

Let's go.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Like A Glove

God I love Australians. I predict I'll be replacing this embedding code 120000000 times in the next month, as everyone who uploads it to their YouTube account has it mysteriously deleted.

Rain Dance

Man...I miss L.A.

(fast forward to around 1:28 for the really good good)

It's the Weekend

Time to be the voice of reason...

From Buzzfeed.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Get Some

This is pure truth in video form. (The fellas might not agree with me at first, but just hold on 'til the end.)

Monday Kickstart: Curiosity Kills

Sometimes you don't want to know what you already know.

Key and Peele nailed it on that one. The struggle is real.

Know what else is real? Iesha Marie is real:

Te amo. Let's go.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Monday, December 2, 2013

Nothin' But the Dog in Me

Sometimes you've just got to find the positives. Sure you don't have much money. Sure you live in Kazakhstan. Sure you're...a dog. But you still have music, you still have rhythm. And they'll never take that away from you.

Monday Kickstart: Making a List, Checking it Twice

Really, the only acceptable reason to be in the stores the day after Thanksgiving is to fuck with people.

With all of the talk of violence on Black Friday, I'm shocked none of these people took a swing at him. On the real, though, I kind of want a copy of that Justin Bieber Kwanzaa album. That shit sounds noice.

This week's inspiration is the jaw-dropping Jessica Marie:

Let's go.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Tail Report: Alyssa Loughran

Credit the Faded Industry folks for finding this local (Pittsburgh) girl, a fitness model and aspiring actress with my favorites: thighs and eyes.

...And booty. And boobs. And...everything. Including guns. I'm not sure which I want to do more: date her, or hire her to be my personal trainer. I'm guessing either one would probably kill me.

For more of Alyssa, show a Burgh gal some love by "liking" her official Facebook page.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Drop It Like a Symphony

If there's one thing I love, it's a woman with class and sophistication.

From Cosmopolitan (TJ with the assist):
A video of Chicago-based burlesque performer Michelle L’Amour is having a well-deserved viral moment right now — because she’s twerking the shit out of some classical music. And it’s genius.

...She can have all my cash. And the credit cards. Fuck it babe, take my wallet.

In fact, Michelle, take the inspiration section of this week's Kickstart, too:

Let's go.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Throwback Thursday: "Oh Boy" -- Cam'Ron ft. Juelz Santana

Admittedly, posting a Cam'Ron video is more about spectacle than dope music. This track banged out every club and car speaker for a few months in 2002, for sure. But it and Cam carry as much substance as E!'s coverage of the Oscars' red carpet. Cam and Dipset were the Kardashians of hip-hop. You'll click play, you'll watch, you'll nod your head...but you'll hate yourself for it immediately afterward.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Move, Bitch, Get Out the Way

Sasha Baron Cohen is the king of physical comedy.

Don't worry, she's not really dead.

Keeping with the British theme, this week's inspiration is also from across the pond. And Vanessa Knowles might be the tastiest thing to come from the British Isles since single malt scotch.

Let's go.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Monday, November 11, 2013

One-Man House Party

Jay Pharoah is quickly climbing up my list of "If you could spend a night at the bar with one person.." celebs. I've posted a lengthier play of his Will Smith impression, which is one of his best, but he absolutely kills the other three impressions here, too.

Monday Kickstart: Das Beat

I took three and a half years of German classes in high school, but only because the teacher was so bad that the classes were easy A's. I didn't learn much German beyond "Danke schoen" in those three-plus years, and I probably really only learned that from Ferris Bueller. So I'm not going to pretend I have the foggiest idea what the gents in Rakede, a group from Germany, are saying below. But damn it if these guys can't throw down on a beat.

This week's inspiration is sex wrapped in sex, though she prefers to be called Ashley Heinrichs:

Let's go.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Monday, November 4, 2013

Man Rules

You want to be a man? Then memorize this list. Though, as I told K Lew when he sent me this link last week, I'm in violation of at least half of these on a daily basis. So I've got some work to do. Don't we all.

The whole list is worth a read, but here are some of my favorites:
  • It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.

  • Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row … unless something really good comes up on the third night.

  • Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.

  • If riding the bus doesn't incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.

  • Time is too short to do your own laundry.

  • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.

  • When in doubt, always kiss the girl.

  • Tip more than you should.

  • Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.

  • You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.

Stay Classy, Boise

If only the female anchor's name was "Lanolin."

...I can’t say Idaho On Your Side sports director Paul Gerke’s Ron Burgundy costume was the BEST thing I saw on Halloween, but it’s certainly the costume with the best execution.

If you need proof, here’s Paul doing his entire sports recap (and the WEATHER!) as Will Ferrell’s legendary Anchorman character. Come get a taste.

Monday Kickstart: He Say, She Say

In case you're a normal person who isn't home watching TV late on a Saturday night, here's Kerry Washington and Jay Pharoah killing it.

This week's inspiration was a find by my homie Dupa. Her name is Karla Chacin, and she's fantabulous:

Let's go.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Happy Birthday, Ms. Union

41. 4-1?? REALLY?

*flips table*

Tuesday Kickstart: Total Trick Move

Halloween is all about getting the chance to give in to your id, to be that person that society and "better judgement" always tell you not to be. For girls, this means putting on the sluttiest outfits they can find. For guys, this means being a total dick.

Moving onto this week's inspiration. Ms. Tianna Gregory is like the girl next door (if you lived in paradise):

I'm not sure what her Halloween costume will be this year, but I hope it involves a wedding dress (I've got the perfect ring to go with it). Let's go.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Monday, October 21, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Wrecking Shit

If you're going to dress up your pet for Halloween, at least do it right.

[Source: College Humor]

That being said, if I had my choice of people I could see "dressed" as Miley's "Wrecking Ball" video, Tiffany Toth would fall much, much higher on the list:

Let's go.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Throwback Thursday: "T.O.N.Y. (Top Of New York)" -- Capone-N-Noreaga ft. Tragedy Khadafi

For a while in high school, I listened to this every morning before leaving to catch the bus. This track helped put the duo (especially Nore, who would turn the pub he gained into a platinum solo album in '98 while Capone served a bid) on the map back in 1996. (...Tragedy Khadafi, not so much.)

Oh, By the Way...

...Kim's 86'd the baby weight.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Daycare Man

You'll find this at the intersection of "hilarious" and "adorable." Japanese school children sing "DayMan" from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Return to Sender

When you're mad because your team is getting their asses kicked, perhaps you should focus that rage on your team's performance, instead of on the visiting team for winning. Also, you shouldn't let that aforementioned rage get so out of hand that you rip a home-run ball out of some innocent female fan's hand.

From USA Today:
Sure, the Red Sox were getting no-hit and blown out by the Detroit Tigers in the sixth inning of Game 2 of the ALCS when this Boston fan took it upon himself to grab Alex Avila’s home run ball from another fan and throw it back on the field. But with the way the Sox have been hitting, it doesn’t seem very likely that woman’s going to get an opportunity to catch a ball hit by the home team.
You stay classy, Boston.

This week's motivation comes from the captivating Scarlet Bouvier:

I never get tired of her. Let's go.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Danger Zone

This Archer promo is my everything. So many emotions...

Throwback Thursday: "Everyday" -- Hussein Fatal

Fatal was the most successful of the Outlawz, which is kind of like having the nicest cardboard box on skid row. But I always liked this trick, and pumped it pretty regularly in the spring of '98. (I'd just gotten my first car, and the upbeat feel to the track matched my own excitement over being able to whip about as I pleased for the first time in my life...but I digress...)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Prom Date

The internet was put here for cats and fucking with people. This would be yet another an example of the latter.

TJ with the assist.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Respect My Gangsta: Jaeden Washington

This kid might just be Christian Okoye's illegitimate son.

From Prep Rally:
Meet Jaeden Washington, a junior at St. Michael's College (Toronto, Ont., where colleges are the equivalent of American high schools). He's a two-sport athlete, starring in both football and rugby, and he's completely unstoppable in both.

Case in point: The touchdown run above. In one, 50-yard gallop, Washington broke 12 tackles and ran absolutely roughshod over the entire defense for St. Andrew's College (Aurora, Ont.).

Monday Kickstart: Thinking Outside the Box

Everyday, we come one step closer to marijuana being legalized across the country. Several states have already passed legislation to allow people to light it up as they please. And big corporations are scrambling to be the first to cash in on it.

Fast food chain Jack In The Box have a new ad campaign that might just appeal to a certain demographic – specifically, the kind that think it’s a good idea to eat 1,500 calories late at night. I’m talking about stoners. Fans of the marijuana. The Mary-Jane. The sticky-icky. The pot, the reefer, the grass, daddy-o.

The future is going to be so weird. I think I'm going to buy stock in Funyuns.

Speaking of feeling lightheaded, allow me to introduce Ms. Leia Christiana:

Smokin'. Let's go.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


Sometimes the juice just ain't worth the squeeze.

The homie Profound with the assist.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Suicide: You're Doing It Wrong

Please don't interpret this post as me making light of those who have found their lives in such utter disrepair that they feel death is the only way out. I respect (and can relate on a very personal level with) those who struggle with severe depression.

...all of that being said, if this can't make you laugh, you really need to see a doctor about your condition.

Roll Out

If a bunch of Swedish soccer hooligans (...What? It's a thing.) are about to melt down in blonde Nordic rage, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Monday Kickstart: No Holding Back

You have to have seen this video by now, but just in case you haven't:

This guy is everything. He's everything's everything. He's every every's thing. I've never been hungrier for popcorn than after watching that video about 20 times on repeat.

A true king among men like this deserves to be escorted in this week's kickstart by a true queen among beautiful women. I think Stephanie Rao should do:

And I dare anyone to disagree. Let's go.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Watch for the Hook

Typically, if we here at Crooked Straight display a video of mountain biking (or really, of any "extreme sport") it's either going to be a clip of something amazing and extraordinary, like an insane "urban downhill bike race" through the streets of Valparaiso, Chile; or of something amazingly stupid and extraordinarily filmed, like this:

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Kanye vs. Kimmel

Kanye is...kinda emotional right now. Earlier tonight, he decided to vent some steam in the direction of Jimmy Kimmel, Twitter-style.

And, of course, Kimmel waved it all off like a pro:

You might be wondering just what has Yeezy so worked up? Well...

...stay tuned.

Throwback Thursday: "Leflaur Leflah Eshkoshka" -- The Fab 5 (Heltah Skeltah and O.G.C.)

If you aren't as old as me, this might just be one of the dopest songs you never heard of.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Grape Ape

(From BuzzFeed)

"We'll learn more about why baboons actually love grapes." Um, I'm no zoologist, Sabrina, but after seeing you in that purple top, I'm going to guess he loves your "grapes" for the same reasons I do.

TJ with the assist.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Monday, September 23, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Drift Away

I'm still trying to decide if this erases stereotypes, or promotes them...

...Maybe both? One thing's for sure: Little man is going to be the Ken Block of his generation.

Moving onto what moves you: This week, your inspiration is natural beauty Audrey Aleen Allen, Playboy's Miss June 2013:

#BlondeAmbitionsOfARidah. Let's go.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Tail Report: Scarlet Bouvier

Typically when I put together one of these Tail Reports, I'll scrounge around the internet, gathering lots of hot PG-13 pictures of that post's subject. Then, once my apple basket is full, I search on the lass' name once again, this time adding the word "nude" afterwards. You know, just for kicks. Most of the time little to nothing comes back.

Whatever the opposite of that is, that's what happened when putting together this post. All I had to do was search on her name alone, and a page full of nakey awesomeness was suddenly in front of me. I could barely find any pictures that were discrete enough to use. Ms. Bouvier not only isn't shy about being naked, I'm nearly convinced she prefers it. And I see nothing wrong with that. Be natural, girl. Be free.