Thursday, January 31, 2013

Let the Healing Begin

I can sympathize with this guy. In my life, I've owned two jerseys: a Tim Brown Los Angeles Raiders jersey, and a Natrone Means San Diego Chargers jersey. The price for an authentic jersey is just too high, when there's always a decent chance that the player won't be with that team next year, next month, or even next week. This past Tuesday I was considering the purchase of a Penguins jersey, but...nah. I'll spend it on booze instead. At least I know when the booze is going to be gone.

Throwback Thursday: "Big Daddy" -- Heavy D

An underrated 1997 track from the overweight lover. RIP Heavy.

Giving the Gift of Boogie

I meant to post this last month, but somehow it slipped my mind. If you're not watching Happy Endings, you're just not doing it right. The whole cast kills, as is demonstrated here with the closing credits of their Christmas ep.

Monday, January 28, 2013

F is for Fail

A nice find by my boy Hollywood. Keep fucking that chicken...

Monday Kickstart: Conquering Mountains

I may never understand what makes people want to try to do things like this. I'd much rather hang out in the ski lodge with some bourbon and a few snowbunnies. But I'll certainly raise my glass to those crazy bastards out on the slopes when they do those things this well.

Of course, before I went anywhere near a ski resort, I'd vacay someplace where the ice is only found in daiquiris. Especially if it's where Ms. Jan J. is:

Let's get it.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Throwback Thursday: "Everything is Everything" -- Lauryn Hill

Lauryn was bad back in the day. There isn't a straight man my age who didn't fall in love with her in the late '90s. It's a damn shame she dropped out the game at her peak.

(F' you, Clef.)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Lost in Translation

Google is great, but their translation software could use some work. And this video does a magnificent job of highlighting that. As crazy as it may seem halfway through, just wait 'til the end.

Te'o'd by Love

This was inevitable. And it's still great.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Respect My Gangsta: Anonymous Stunt Driver

There's ghostriding the whip, and then there's just being a bad mothershutyourmouth. This would be the latter of those two.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Lickin' Off Shots

I've had a mild crush on Helena Bonham Carter since Fight Club, for obvious reasons. Obviously, she’s hot (and only slightly gothy), but she delights in setting herself apart from her Hollywood contemporaries as being just a little unbalanced. Case-in-point:

Love her. If you’re a straight male and say you’ve never fantasized about sliding on some kitchen gloves and going to work on her…well, then you’re in denial about one of those two things. Keep doing your thing, Helena.

Someone who plays the much more traditional vamp role, is one Ms. Gabrielle Union:

Obviously, there’s no wrong way to do this “beautiful woman in Hollywood” thing. Let’s go.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Auto Eroticism: Maserati Quattroporte

It's the 2013 North American International Auto Show in Detroit, and new cars are being thrown at us almost as hard this week as Big Bang Theory has been for the last three years (no, I don't like that ridiculous show either). And next up for our viewing pleasure: the all-new Quattroporte.

Everything has been reworked and improved. The full-size sedan is larger and has considerably more interior and trunk space, but it weighs nearly 220 pounds less than the previous version, thanks to extensive use of aluminum in the chassis and body. Styling changes are evolutionary. The car retains key design elements such as the prominent front grille, three small side vents in the front fenders, and a triangular rear roof pillar.

New engines were designed entirely in-house and will be built under contract by corporate cousin Ferrari. The V8 displacement is downsized, but twin turbochargers boost output to 523 horsepower and 524 lb-ft of torque. That represents an increase of 18 percent and 39 percent, compared with the previous nonturbocharged V8. The new V8 is good for zero to 62 mph in 4.7 seconds and an astounding top speed of 191 mph. The only other Maserati to exceed that top speed is the MC12 supercar. A new twin-turbo V6 engine derived from the V8 makes 404 horsepower and 405 lb-ft of torque. It can be paired with all-wheel drive, which is not offered with the V8. An 8-speed automatic is the only transmission available.
Now, to my eye—which, admittedly, has its flaws—this new car barely looks any different than the current Quattroporte. There's certainly been a few tweaks to the rear of the car; but, aside from that...yeah. Not seeing anything substantial. Just like Big Bang Theory.

If I'm lucky enough to be car shopping in this price range, I'd much rather go with something more stylish and more dependable, like a BMW 7-Series or a Mercedes S-class (both of which will likely cost you less, both in sticker price and mechanic bills).

It's the Weekend

Time to disappear...

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Throwback Thursday: "Can't Deny It" -- Fabolous ft. Nate Dogg

F-a-b-o's debut single met the minimum requirements: Thumping beat, braggadocia, superstar guest appearance (R.I.P. Nate Dogg), and a video full of hot women and kitted rides. And, as far as the subject matter goes, the track falls perfectly into Fab's wheelhouse. But to me, it lacked something. I was a fan of Fab after hearing him on some of the Clue tapes and whatnot. Thankfully, he redeemed himself with "Breathe", which was more like what I expected to hear from him.

But, like I said, this track bangs, too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Auto Eroticism: Acura NSX

Looking at this car, I had vaguely the same psychological reaction that I have seeing a glistening model in a bikini climb out of a pool in a music video.

And I'm not ashamed to say it.

From Top Gear:
The seat bolsters, grab rails and transmission tunnel seem to pounce forward, as if they’re making a break for the windscreen. But where most concept cockpits are works of fantasy with nowhere to put your cup of coffee, this one has a traditional rear-view mirror and storage compartments. You can see out quite easily. There’s an oblong screen in the middle of the dash, under which is a straightforward cluster of buttons for the gearbox, handbrake and sport modes. The steering wheel is round-ish, with three spokes. The seats are thin and beautifully sculpted. Actually, the whole thing feels very much like the inside of the McLaren 12C.

You could imagine it going on sale looking just like this, when it reaches showrooms in about two years from now. Honda’s people weren’t giving much else away, but we’ll eat our origami swans if it doesn’t have the petrol-electric powertrain and 4WD we speculated on last year. The petrol engine, mostly likely a 3.5-litre V6 with 400bhp, will be correctly placed in the middle of the car and power the rear wheels. Then there are two electric motors up front: one for each wheel, operating independently to sniff out grip and see-off understeer, plus another one in the transmission at the rear to boost engine power when asked. Together, the electric motors will most probably add about 100bhp to the powertrain, bringing the new NSX to 500bhp overall.
I wasn't always the biggest fan of the original NSX. The designed seemed too bulky, too clumsy to make you take it seriously alongside a Ferrari or Lamborghini. It was like dressing Jennifer Lopez up in mom jeans and Crocs.

The design of this generation of NSX, though, seems like it will more than make up for the previous one's flaws.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Flight Time: Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant is a baaaaaddd man. I particularly love the way Gortat drops his head in embarrassment immediately after getting posterized.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Sucker for Love

There are two ways to look at this video:
  1. This guy thought it would be a pretty funny prank to randomly ask women to marry him.
  2. This guy is ingeniously taking on the blatant hypocrisy that exists in our society, wherein reality TV shows like The Bachelor boil down love into 12 hour-long increments and turn marriage into a game show prize, but conservatives blindly babble about the sanctity of the institution as a means to cover up their discrimination against gay and lesbian couples.
As you may have guessed, I’m going with #2 on this one.

That being said, I will gladly get on one knee for Angie Vu Ha. Or as many knees as it takes.

Twice as nice. Having that waiting at home would help any man through a Monday. Or a Tuesday. Or Wednesday, or...

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tail Report: 2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet

In 2012 we made fun of Angelina Jolie for showing off her leg at an awards show. In 2013, every other gal on the red carpet is showing off her leg at awards shows.

I'm not hating, just making an observation.

Katherine McPhee

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lopez ( win, mamacita. Te amo.)

Jessica Alba (What we could've been, guhl...)

Sofia Vergara

Thandie Newton (still delish after all these years)

Halle Berry (...ditto.)

Eva Longoria

Carla Gugino (Curves. All. Day.)

Olivia Munn (Looking all classy...I see you, girl.)

Lea Michelle

Allison Williams (I love me some Allison Williams...)

Rosario Dawson

Kerry Washington

Amanda Seyfried

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Seeing's Believing

Okay, how long before people start catching onto these drive-thru pranks? I mean, this format has basically become the Tebowing of prank videos. The clock is ticking.

...That being said, this is hilarious. I'll give credit where credit is due, and this kid came up with a brilliant prank. The reactions he got out of people were priceless.

Jay Swag with the assist.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Monday Kickstart: Doggystyle

The bitches love him.

And this week, I love Tania Funes. Actually, every week I love Tania Funes. And so do mirrors.

Let's get it.

Friday, January 4, 2013

It's the Weekend

Time to expressssss yo'self...

Snoop's Narnia

I'm a day late in getting this posted. GQ published a fantastic piece by Drew Magary, who spent a recent afternoon with Snoop Lion talking music and smoking on that ooh-wee. It's a fascinating and hilarious look into Snoop's world—and oh what a wonderful world it is. If you haven't yet, you should definitely set aside 10 minutes to read the full article. But if you're short on 10 minutes, I'll give you a few of the highlights:

1. Snoop carries a man bag.
He arrives at Baby Blues with just a single bodyguard, whom he sheds before slipping alone into our reserved room at the back of the restaurant. He's wearing a Dallas Mavericks jersey and warm-up pants, and he's carrying a Paris Hilton-designed man purse overflowing with unopened packs of Swisher Sweets.

2. There's a guy somewhere, who worked as a club bouncer in '92, and who now feels like a jackass.
Like the time in 1992 when he was marooned outside a hot downtown L.A. nightclub, trying in vain to get inside. "And motherfucking 'Deep Cover' "—Snoop's first hit—"was playing louder than a motherfucker in there: boom, boom, boom. And there was a nigga in the club, and he told security, 'Nigga, you don't know who that is?' Security said, 'No.' They said, 'Nigga, that's the nigga who's singing on that song right there!' Yeah. And guess what, kid? I didn't get in!"

3. They make children's books about smoking weed. Wait...what?
It doesn't even seem so crazy—or at least not as crazy as it should seem—when Snoop tells me he's thinking of reading a book called It's Just a Plant: A Children's Story of Marijuana, to the 8- and 9-year-olds on the peewee football team he coaches. "Believe it or not," he says, "they need to know." (The book is about a little girl whose parents teach her about the awesomeness of weed. "This is a joint," her father tells her. "It's made of marijuana." It's a surprisingly long book. If you read it in Marijuana Time, it takes eight years.)

4. I miss Cali girls. Oh so much...
Moments later, a baby-faced blonde employee named Rachel, dressed in a teensy orange tank and blue terry-cloth hot pants, walks up to Snoop and stammers out a request: "I wanna get, uh, a picture of me expressing myself in the safe while you're looking at me expressing myself."

The safe that Rachel is referring to is the open, Skee-Lo-sized safe across the room. She hands me her camera and leads Snoop toward it. Then she turns around, does a handstand, spreads her legs, rests her feet on the inside walls of the safe, and begins shaking her booty up and down like it's a can of spray paint.

"She's obsessed with this," Doctor Dina tells me as we watch. "She's been practicing for a week."
I really miss Cali girls.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Throwback Thursday: "Jazzy Belle" -- OutKast

They over-produced this version of the track, as compared to the much more powerful album version. But thankfully Big Boi and Andre's lyrics weren't changed, and still deliver schooling on the merits of women with minds as sound as their bodies.