If I Ruled the World

At the risk of Hollywood producers trolling this piece for ideas, let’s engage in a little exercise.

The HBO series Girls, which follows the lives of four twentysomething women living in New York City, attracted a flashflood of criticism during its first several weeks for not having a racially-diverse cast. By the time the Season 1 finale aired, however, the storm had died down and the blogosphere’s self-made civil rights “activists” had found other atrocities on which to shine their beacons of truth. For the record: While I agree that, in real life, both the location and the age range of the characters in Girls would make it nearly impossible for their entire circle of friends to be white, I also recognize that the show isn’t supposed to perfectly mirror reality. Star and creator Lena Dunham has carefully constructed a world-within-the-Williamsburg-world in which the quartet of young urbanites lives. The narrowness of the ethnic spectrum in this inner-world reflects the narrowness of the characters’ understanding of the real world, and speaks ever-so-loudly to their tendency to shroud themselves in the safe and familiar. Internet critics are were outraged that the cast is whitewashed, but it’s merely a tool of emphasis meant to illustrate the central point; Dunham just as easily could have made all of the characters Hispanic, or entirely Black (aside from the fact that Dunham herself is white, which would have prompted a much more relevant set of criticisms). Lena’s characters aren’t racist (and neither is Girls); they are merely so afraid of growing up that they hide away in xenophobic isolation and self-centered delusion.

My exercise, though, is to meet head-on those who have condemned Dunham’s masterpiece of fiction as instead being her Mein Kampf. If you were to hand these voices in the crowd a bottle of Wite-Out [How ironic?] and a pen, which characters would they rewrite as Black? Or Hispanic? Or Asian? Or etc.? Furthermore, how would some popular TV shows and movies from the past be cast if remade today, in an entertainment world reluctantly bending to the cultural rainbow of the audience that it petitions to fill seats?


The Breakfast Club

In the interest of full disclosure, it was actually John Hughes’ film classic—not Girls—that inspired this piece. Hollywood’s creativity whirlpool is continuously sucking in whatever is nearest its reach. I may only be as far away from a remake of one of my all-time favorite movies as a studio exec’s awaking-from-an-OxyContin-binge-in-front-of-a-TV-tuned-to-TBS epiphany. That thought isn’t just sad, it makes me crave Zoloft.

First, we can rule out “Principal Vernon” being played by a minority actor, since he’s the film’s villain. No studio would dare touch that racial-implication powder keg with a remote-controlled bomb squad robot. There is irony here, though, since the studios would instead play into a stereotype by making the evil, out-of-touch authority figure a white guy. If Hollywood has taught us anything over the last 15 years, it’s that stereotypes are only offensive when they are projected onto people who aren’t white. [“Less-than”, “forward slash”, “sarcasm”, “greater-than”…]

The movie’s only other adult character, “Carl” (the janitor), would likely be cast as Latino. Is it a stereotype? Of course. Would they still do it? Yup. It’s not the most stereotypical move they could make with the role; that would be to have the part of an older, wiser custodian played by a Black man. And casting Morgan Freeman. No, I see the producers playing the odds and hoping that casting a Latino actor would appease the Hispanic community. And, not for nothing…I keep picturing Carlos Mencia playing the part. He even has the same name. In Hollywood, convenience is nine-tenths of the law.

They would most certainly, however, cast the role of “Andy” with an African-American actor. That may sound as risky as making the janitor Black. But “Black athlete” is the “Rick Ross’ career” of pigeonholed archetypes: It just won’t die. And, you have to admit, it could very likely make Andy’s status as one of the school’s biggest jocks much more believable than before. Admittedly, though, that’s not because he’s white in the original; it’s because he’s Emilio Estevez. The biggest piece of unintentional comedy in the film happens when Andy stares up at John Bender, threatens matter-of-factly to knock him out…and Bender backs down. If that confrontation happens in real life, Andy’s resuscitated in a speeding ambulance and Bender’s in cuffs. And when it happens in the new version, and Bender restrains himself? You evoke the themes of “white guilt” and “violent Black man” that play as familiar to today’s big-budget studio film as a drumbeat in a Top-40 DJ’s ear.

In the new Breakfast Club [“Lose the ‘The’. It’s cleaner.”], Andy Clark is the star running back on Shermer High School’s football team—no one cares about wrestling in 2012. And his “in crowd” counterpart, Claire Standish? She’s now Asian-American (this may require some tweaking of her name…), and the only other one of the five main characters to change ethnicities. This is mostly due to process of elimination: Brian brings a gun to school (I know it’s a flare gun, but…), Bender is a weedhead, and Allison snorts a line off a table (I know it’s sugar, but…). So, in a moment of tokenism, prom queen “Claire” is now an Asian-American teenager. Remember, this is a realistic world, not a perfect one; some typecasting will remain (like a Hispanic janitor or a Black star athlete who is physically-aggressive), and Claire’s parents being rich, demanding, and spoiling just seems harmonious with Hollywood’s typical portrayal of Asian-Americans (either that, or they’re ninjas). This creates an interesting scenario, though; of the five students, the two popular kids are minorities, while the three social “outcasts” are white. Does this offer commentary on the progression of racial equality in our present-day society? Or have I just created something nearly as incongruent with America’s 2012 demographics as Hughes’ 1985 movie?


Charles in Charge
One change, and one change only: “Charles” is now Black. Could. Not. Resist.

Everyone else remains white, even Buddy—you need that narrative aid of a white friend helping Charles relate to his white owners bosses. This change could take his duels with the old-school Mr. Powell into “Archie Bunker vs. George Jefferson” territory [R.I.P. Sherman Hemsley]. And the sexual tension between Charles and Mama Powell? Or between Charles and Jamie (originally Nicole Eggert’s role)? Through the roof.

*pauses*

Actually, I seem to have devolved into a racially-fueled porn fantasy here. Let’s just move on…


Cheers
The first call here is as easy as it is familiar: NORM! Frankly, I’m a little shocked he wasn’t Black in the original series. Quick with a one-liner, complains about his nagging wife, hangs with his buddies in a bar too much, trouble holding down a job, curly fro…need I go on? All of these are 80’s-Black-guy-on-TV staples. I can’t decide if it’s more racist that they didn’t cast this role as Black, or that they did everything but cast this role as Black.

As much as I cherish Rhea Perlman’s portrayal of "Carla Tortelli" in the original, I don’t think there’s any way this show gets remade without her character becoming either Black or Hispanic, and I believe Hispanic wins out. Boston has a fairly large Hispanic population that doesn’t get a lot of notice from TV and movies; and a diminutive, wisecracking, short-tempered, curly-haired waitress with eight kids? Admit it: She was a Latina in your mind before I even finished that sentence. …Racist.

And then you have Rebecca Howe. She has just enough style, ambition, and quick wit that casting her as a Black woman is all-too-easy (and it begins to make you wonder just what was up with Glen and Les Charles). There’s some precedence here, too: Anyone who watched the latter years of That 70’s Show, when Hyde’s half-sister “Angie” was introduced, will likely agree that she was a retread of Kirstie Alley’s most famous character. In fact, is Megalyn Echikunwoke available? This script is writing itself right now.


Old School
I had completely overlooked this film while searching for movies to examine; thankfully, my buddy TK was Johnny-on-the-spot. With the exception of a couple of the fraternity pledges (and cameos by Snoop and Don Magic Juan), this flick is pretty white and pasty—despite being relatively new (2003). To some extent that’s by design; but a couple of changes can still be made without losing the chemistry.

There’s a temptation to make “Mitch” (the Godfather) Black; after all, he’s the leader (…I admit to my biases). Or “Frank” (the Tank), for that matter. But the film works because it takes the shlubbiness (let’s pretend that’s a word) of middleclass, middle-management, and throws it back into the wilds of the college experience. And—I feel racist saying it—no Black character is going to exude shlubbiness (shut up) better than a white character (sorry). *tugs at collar* Heh…

The smoother, fast-talking “Beanie”, however, is now Black. I know that may upset fans, since Vince Vaughn’s performance is Hall-of-Fame-worthy, but…“Earmuffs!”…you can’t make all the people happy all the time. Therefore, Beanie and his family are Black in the remake. And honestly, it’s a testament to Vaughn that this idea wasn’t carried out for the original. Can you sincerely say that you can’t imagine Eddie Murphy (back in his late 30s) killing it in the wedding scene? Or Romany Malco, for that matter?

“Dean Pritchard” will now be Black as well. I know, I know…I said the “minority as a villain” thing didn’t fly for The Breakfast Club; but this is different. This villain draws his spite from a lifetime of being the outcast nerd, and is now suddenly in a position of power over the cool kids who once taunted him. It has a different flavor from Vernon, a bully who used condescension in the pursuit of discipline. Pritchard isn’t about discipline, he’s all about revenge. As such, making this role a minority won’t make studio heads nervous. The perfect fit for this role? Martin Lawrence. …Well, if this was made five years prior to the original—Marty-Mar is getting up there in years. But you feel where I’m going with this. Maybe this will be something for Donald Glover to bite into in 2023.


Friends

Back to the whole “full disclosure” thing: I’m a huge Friends fan—I can’t help it. It’s New York; it’s the twentysomething struggle (as with Girls); it’s great writing, great characters, and great acting. Love it. But, although Lauren Tom appeared in seven episodes and Aisha Tyler nine during the series’ nine-year run, overall the character list looks like slices in a loaf of Wonderbread. Like Girls, this earned Friends some bad press during its early days. Unlike Girls, though, I can’t excuse the monochromatic casting of Friends on the bases of theme and design. One or two of these characters could have easily been of another ethnic makeup.

The first change to make would be the role of “Chandler”. My initial thought was to cast him as Black, but that felt too easy. And let’s be honest: Effeminate, successful, young Black professional married to an uptight white woman? Why hello, Brad from Happy Endings. Instead, let’s cast him as Indian-American. “Paging Aziz Ansari…”

Next, let’s recast “Phoebe” with an Asian-American actress. …Her being a massage therapist and into mysticism may be influencing me slightly on this one. And it might present a small hurdle; you definitely have to be weary of this when writing for the character. It is possible, though, to write yourself out of harm’s way—most likely by beating critics to the punch with jokes that attack the stereotypes. Then again, why bother? When was the last time you saw a producer who was the least bit concerned with the stereotypical portrayal of Asian-American people?

Lastly, let’s make “Rachel” a Black woman. She remains a spoiled Long Island princess, but in 2012 there’s no reason that description can’t be filled by an African-American actress. In fact, this change brings to mind memories Karyn Parsons’ work as Hillary Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The other roles we can leave as written by David Crane and Marta Kauffman. Monica and Ross being Jewish was the only real range of ethnicity found in the original series, and there’s no sense in erasing it now. Joey being Italian was a key piece to the character; not to mention, “dumb Italian guy” sends fewer chills up the spine than “dumb (insert minority group) guy”. So the gang is now 50% more diverse. That’s a rate well above today’s average in Hollywood, and unquestionably higher than that of…


Girls

Changing these characters is a little tougher, since Dunham obviously molded them specifically to be white in unison. And when examining this show, the rules change a bit. Because it’s new, we’re not traveling into the distant future to create a remake; we’re traveling into the recent past to completely change the original. It’s not a reboot, it’s a reconstruction. This means, though some characters will be rewritten, it will happen within the context of the same exact show currently available on OnDemand.

Among the core four, the only change that can really be made is Marnie. Dunham (“Hannah”), after all, is the star and creator. Replace her, and you don’t have a show. Shoshanna’s sheltered, prototypical “Jewish-American Princess” background is essential to the character herself (which is played with such full-throttle abandon by Zosia Mamet that you wouldn’t dare trust the role in the hands of anyone else, regardless of race). Jessa, drowning in the modern delusions of bohemian romanticism, is too forcedly “hip” to be anything other than a white girl that’s trying too hard—and she’s also Shoshanna’s cousin. That leaves Marnie, whose uptight, play-it-safe-every-step-of-the-way personality is independent of any ethnically-dictated context.

“Marnie” will now be cast as a Black woman, but of course keeps both her fragile, upper-middleclass upbringing and the woefully-careful lifestyle that it has produced. Her soft-as-baby-shoes boyfriend, “Charlie”, will remain white, for a few reasons: (1.) Her background and given circle of friends suggests that Marnie is simply more familiar with—and comfortable around—white men. (2.) There’s irony in her “safer” option being an interracial relationship, and Dunham would likely find it to be irresistibly delicious. (3.) It’s a smaller factor, but in Episode 2 Charlie shaves his head; as a plot point, it serves to shock and throw a moment of unscheduled change into Marnie’s world. The simple fact is, however, that having a shaved head as a Black man isn’t quite as aesthetically remarkable as it is for a white man. If Charlie is Black, shaving his head without first consulting Marnie will certainly upset her; but the audience, who has only just met Charlie one week before that, won’t feel the disruption to his girlfriend’s world quite the same as they do when he’s white. (4.) Remember, Marnie’s not the only one hanging out with Charlie; he will also be friends with the other three girls—especially Hannah, her roommate. And the more people of a different cultural background that the girls have in their inner-world, the less stable that inner-world is for them.

That being said, let’s make one more change: “Ray”, Charlie’s best friend, can now be cast as an Indian-American man. This change is a reluctant one for me. Ray’s post-hipster-apocalypse sarcastic scoff is fantastic, and difficult to replicate in a character who isn’t saddled with both the remorse of being white and a distinct apathy towards being apologetic for being white. Ray is, unflinchingly, “Ray”; and this, in turn, is actually something that allows us to change his ethnic make-up without disrupting the blissful ignorance of the group. Ray is such an individual that he transcends race. The girls will always see him as being different, no matter what his ethnicity is; they already see him as different in Girls, despite sharing his skin color. If the visual connection changes, it’s still the peculiarities of his character and conviction that will draw their attention, not his race. This also serves as further endorsement of the decision to keep Christopher Abbot as “Charlie”. Continuing the list from earlier: (5.) Charlie having a Black girlfriend and an Indian-American best friend suggests that he’s slightly more in-tune with the rest of the world than Marnie, which (I’m once again assuming) Dunham would find to be a suitable addition to the character’s traits.


Two out of seven. Of the seven most prominent characters in Girls (“Adam”, Hannah’s boyfriend, wasn’t discussed, in part because he would not have been changed), only two were altered as a result of this exercise. With the exception of the failed Charles in Charge example (finding recent pictures of Josie Davis, who played “Sarah”, didn’t help things), this increase in diversity is the smallest of the titles examined. And yet, Girls has arguably faced the most scrutiny. Is this due to its naysayers having far more outlets for social commentary than those of Cheers or The Breakfast Club? Most likely. But instead of validating these detractors, this disparity proves their folly.

Viewers in 1985 who felt The Breakfast Club was a misrepresentation of the American population may have had some merit to their argument. Chances are, John Hughes never received the faintest breath of discord from studio people when he presented them with a seven-person cast that was white, through and through. When she first began casting Girls in 2011, though, you can guarantee Lena Dunham faced off with a nervous suit or two who felt that an all-white cast was an invitation to criticism and protest. HBO’s executives are well aware of the impact of social media in today’s world, and surely foresaw (to some extent) the backlash that would result. And yet, because there was artistic merit to her vision, Dunham’s version—and not mine—arrived on our TV screens in April.

Hollywood suits being more pragmatic about racially-sensitive artistic choices than the viewers at home? That sounds even more far-fetched than seven friends in Williamsburg all being white.