Monday, August 31, 2015

Keep It One Hunnit

I know this struggle.

Monday Kickstart (Part 2): Inspiration

Let Australian beauty Jessica Ann remind you why you're back on your grind this morning.

Monday Kickstart (Part 1): Start Spreading the News

This makes my balls hurt, but I'm sharing it anyways.

From Tastefully Offensive:
Logan Paul takes manspreading to a whole knew level in this funny compilation of the Vine star randomly doing splits at various locations around New York City.

I'm not sure there's much more to add here.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

George Zimmerman Can Go Fuck Himself and Fall Into The Sea

‘We all know how 

it ended for the last

moron that hit me’

This was a quote from Zimmerman's latest racist twitter rant.

I'm all for free speech and though I believe him to be morally wrong, legally, the right decision was made to not convict him.

BUT THIS FUCK BOY HAS GOT TO GO! If this isn't one of the rudest heartless and soulless things that has ever come out of a human beings mouth.


Think about this for a moment. You picked a fight with a child, he laid them fucking paws on you and you shot him because "I feared for my life". 

Fuck you, fuck the people who help you, fuck the people who buy your racist paintings, fuck the people who follow him on twitter both because they feel like he says the truth and ironically, fuck the gun shows you were a celebrity at, fuck the person who take pictures of you, fuck the females you beat on that haven't pressed charges and sent ya smug lil shit face to jail. Fuck anyone who currently has his autograph. Fuck the NRA for half ass supporting him. Fuck all of you equally and specifically!

When he dies I hope they put a port-a-potty over his grave so we can all take a massive asparagus and amoxicillin piss on it. 

He is quite literally one of the most vile people in existence in the entirety of the UNIVERSE.

There is literally a Commander Zorp Zorp on Epsilon Zeta Five, in a war room with the intergalactic council, discussing if they should end life on earth with someone at the ready to press the button to end destroy us all  and this fuck will be the guy that causes it all.

Soulless fuck I truly hope someone shits in his mouth and slaps him with antifreeze.

I don't think I have the vocabulary to describe how loathsome of a human being he is.



Thursday, August 27, 2015

Throwback Thursday: "Guilty Conscience" — Eminem ft. Dr. Dre

...I'm not playing this because the Dee Barnes/NWA beef resurfaced with the release of Straight Outta Compton. I swear. Nope. *looks at Dre* *coughs* Nope.

*backs away slowly*

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Ten Things I Think That I Think

1. I think: Men who leave pubic hair in the urinal should be drawn quartered and shot! I assume you NEVER have had a woman's mouth anywhere near your cock and or balls because no self-respecting woman would EVER take the risk of choking on that Don Cornelius from the 70s things you got going on around dick space. I go to the bathroom to piss not to have to dual use the aforementioned pee to free your unwanted gifts from the urinal. TRIM THAT SHIT UP B!

2. I think: If I say "Black Lives Matter" and you respond with anything other than "what can I do to help?" Fuck you specifically. If someone has a benefit for Breast Cancer Awareness no one kicks in the fucking door and goes "ALL CANCERS MATTER, DON'T FORGET ABOUT TOE CANCER!!!"
That particular benefit was for a specific cause and because it is for that specific cause that doesn't mean nothing else matter you insouciant dick bag.

3. I think: If you support Donald Trump I'm automatically going to assume you either are sexist, racist or a twit. Either way please take several seats in the back.

4.I think: I have no idea what to do with my half black one fourth white and one fourth Mexican son's head. The swirls is mysterious in what traits you get. I'm waiting on this dude's hair to grow into something.

5. I think: If I say good morning to you and you don't say it back I immediately day dream about punching you in your rude ass mouth. Get some home training.

6. I think: Every time I see someone at some children's party, dressed up as a cartoon character twerking, a small part of me dies.

7. I think: Dr. Dre's new album IS A CLASSIC! No if ands or buts about it. If you disagree I question your taste in music. People say it's got too much trap music influence and to that I say...WTF are you listening? People complain and say the mix is too bright...WTF have you been listening to? His mixes have been like that since Chronic 2001 unless he wanted it dirty on purpose (see I Need A Doctor). People complain it's not like Chronic 2001. That shit came out 15 years ago...what he look like trying to rap like he's still 30 or something.

8. I think: Titties > Ass but only because I'm short and I can look em right in the eye.

9.I think: I'm a bit odd because I have a page on Tinder. Not because I'm looking for a hookup (a picture of my wife, my son chucking up the deuces and me is my profile picture and I explicitly state I'm not looking for a hookup) but because I like judging people.

10. I think: Jay Cutler has resting jerkface and because of that douche face no one will ever like him. He could throw 50 touchdowns, -2 interceptions AND vaccinate his fucking kids AND most people that are fans or apart of the NFL would be like "FUCK THAT GUY" I feel bad for the dude and his jerkface

Monday, August 24, 2015

Monday Kickstart (Part 2): Inspiration

Mondays suck. But if it comes with a side of Argentinian beauty Maria Celeste Sablich, Monday will be your new favorite day of the week.

Monday Kickstart (Part 1): Get in the Game

This is creative as hell.

From Tastefully Offensive:
The team from the British film company Realm Pictures created a live-action first-person shooter zombie game in their garden and studio, then invited unsuspecting people from the online chat website Chatroulette to control their actions as they navigate around various scenarios and battle zombies with modified Nerf guns.

The comments by the people watching are great. "Could it be a lion with a thorn in its paw?" I wish they'd gotten a few drunk people. In fact, there's got to be outtakes, right? People who they edited out. I'd love to see who didn't make the final edit and why. Then again, this is Chatroulette. Every third person they connected with was probably just some guy with his dick on the screen.

Realm also did a cool little behind-the-scenes video to show how they put it all together.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Throwback Thursday: "Pleasure Principle" — Janet Jackson

If this beat doesn't make you move your feet, you are not a real person. This is my vote for the best Janet video ever. She was looking OH so good, and dances her ass off. (The chair move is hall-of-fame material.)

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Comic Relief

I'm just guessing; but I'd have to say that, after doing The Tonight Show and feeling up Amy Schumer, third place on every comic's dream list is drop kicking a heckler.

From Playboy:
During an open mic comedy show in Las Vegas, a guy was given his five minutes to do a set and when time was up, the host walked over and informed him that was the end of the set, as most hosts do. Apparently the comedian/heckler did not take kind to this, as he’s known as to disrupt shows and ruin other comic’s sets.

Straight Outta Gotham

This is all kinds of brilliant. And damn it if Two-Face didn't have lyrics.

"Gimme a beat!"

Janet would be proud of this routine.

Are we going to talk about the fact that the 300 lb guy in football pads was hitting his marks better than any of the women who do this for a living? No? Okay then...

Throwback Tuesday - RZA - Tragedy

Do I really need to say more?

Monday, August 17, 2015

Monday Kickstart (Part 2): Inspiration

It's women like Devin Brugman that almost make me want to open an Instagram account. Almost...

A photo posted by Devin Brugman (@devinbrugman) on

A photo posted by Devin Brugman (@devinbrugman) on

Monday Kickstart (Part 1): Not Your Typical Politician

This is a real Canadian politician, running for office in British Columbia, in a real political ad.

It's recently come to my attention that marijuana is legal in British Columbia. Just saying...

Sunday, August 16, 2015

I've Forgotten How to Drink

I've Forgotten How to Drink

A lot has changed in my life in the past year. I got married, had a son and went full on adult (classified as knowing, by heart, the theme song to at least 2 TV shows designed for children). And with that has come many changes. One of them being that I don't go out anymore.

And by go out I mean go to the bar with the squad, drink 10 crown and cokes (with seriously try that shit it's delicious!) , coming home drunk as that thang and giving my old lady ye ol whisky dick.

Then it happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on this whole planet but I realized early that drinking and parenting don't mix.

A sexy black man decides to have a good time with old friends. We drink, we reminisce and we drink some more. Aforementioned Adonis comes home at reasonable hour and everyone in the house is asleep. That sexy fuck finally goes to bed at 3AM and promptly at 3:10AM his son wakes up and boy is he hungry. Hot bod dad knows what to do though. He drunkenly stumbles to the kitchen to prepare a bottle and realizes there are no prepared ones.


Sex god pappy makes bottle and then places it firmly in the freezer instead of the bottle warmer. I wander back to my sons room and realizes that he does not have the bottle.


A frantic search begins,

Is it in the fridge? Is it in the sink? Is it in a cabinet? Is it in my pocket? Did I even make a bottle? Am I even at home? Is this my kitchen? Which Kardashian would you pick if you could pick one to do the Alabama Pelvis Slammer on?

I start to question my own sanity and reality in general.Then a moment lucidness smacks me back into the light of being able to brain.


I complete the feeding task and lay in the bed and realize an important truth.

It is easy to get drunk, it incredibly difficult to get UN-DRUNK at 3 something in the morning with a screaming, hungry infant.

At that moment I decided not to drink that much anymore, which is basically not at all.

Until last night.

I went out! I broke away and ran free from the chains of parental bondage like Kunta Kinte. I drank, I conversed and for a moment I was an adult.

Then the fear kicked in.

Is this too much? I need to pace myself! But the drink is so damn delicious! Is buzzed parenting a thing? Is it like buzzed driving? What should I drink? Crown and coke? Seven and 7? A nice Port? How bout some Armagnac? Tall or short glass? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I then realized as I sipped on my Triple Crown and Pepsi that I no longer know how to drink.

I have to have a game plan now. Like I need to bring a white board and draw up drinking plays like I'm fucking George Halas and it's weird.

I had a few last night, not a lot, and my son woke up at 6 this morning bright eyed and though I was sleepy as fuck I didn't try to take him outside to poop on a leash...So I say last night was a win.

I'm ok with the whole arrangement

Last night I realized I don't know how to drink anymore and you know what? I'm ok with this

Thursday, August 13, 2015


Nope. No. No. NOPE.

From Mashable:
A 24-year-old woman was hospitalized with a broken leg after a cable on the amusement park ride at Luna Park in Cap d'Agde, France, known as a slingshot or a reverse bungee, snapped. The vessel smashed into one of its support poles, French news outlet Herault 24 reports. Another rider walked away without injury.

The incident, which occurred Aug. 4, was captured on video and uploaded to YouTube on Friday. In the clip, the ride propels a spherical cage into the air and as it falls back towards the earth, one of its elastic cables snaps. The cage is then sent flying into one of its support poles before coming to rest in the air. The couple was stuck in the air for approximately one hour before being rescued.

Throwback Thursday: "Express Yourself" — N.W.A.

This is officially N.W.A. Day. The film Straight Outta Compton is released today, and TJ and I will be at the 8 pm showing. I'm going to have to dig my old Raiders Starter jacket out of the closet.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Dear Dude Bros (A Cautionary Tale)

So as the Patrick Kane allegations start to give informational nuggets many questions should be asked. Many things should NOT be asked. I do think that thoughtfulness for the alleged victim and alleged (but not charged) perpetrator are needed. Sweeping judgments of guilt or innocence, truth or lies, "slut" or lady are harmful so I will be staying away from those and you should too.

My first thoughts when the story broke were

1. if the alleged victim was indeed raped then her experiences and the lasting haze they can have over her life should be the primary concern.

2. Kane putting himself in this position to begin with, no matter if he is guilty or not, was fucking stupid. These things hang over you forever innocent or guilty.

So it got me to thinking....

And after a few moments I said to myself "let me help my fellow dude bros out with a step by step guide so that you don't become to the next "victim" of Indian giver women and their evil vaginal powers."

Step 1
cut a hole in the box.....wait

sorry wrong thought process

Step 1

that's it. Easy right?

  • Doesn't matter if she was all on your shit at the bar. When she says no DON'T RAPE BITCHES!
  • Doesn't matter if she is clothed in an Asa Akira school girl outfit with makeup by Jezebel herself. When she says no DON'T RAPE BITCHES!
  • Doesn't matter if she is the town slut and will suck every dick she can find for a peach Faygo and a manager's special from Popeye's which you gave to her AND with extra biscuits. When she says no DON'T RAPE BITCHES!
  • Doesn't matter if she is in mid suck and then changes her mind. Calmly put your dick away, call that woman a cab, slap it around a bit when she leaves and most importantly When she says no DON'T RAPE BITCHES!
I don't claim to have ALL the answers...but I think my fellow dude bros this is the starting point of a movement. We can make positive change by NOT RAPING BITCHES!

Monday Kickstart (Part 2): Inspiration

If you don't know who Tianna Gregory is, you should. She is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and a rare repeat among Monday Kickstart inspirations.

[NOTE: The first shot above was done by Martin Murillo. Looking through some of the shoots he's done with Tianna and other models, this guy is a legit talent behind the camera. Check out his Tumblr page to see more of his work.]

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart (Part 1): Whip 'Em into Shape

"Watch Me" has lowkey become the meme of the summer, as more and more videos of people doing the Whip come out. And, though the saturation point can't be too far away, we thankfully haven't hit it just yet. That means we can still enjoy the randomness and infectiousness of an Atlanta area chiropractic practice that decided to get in on the act.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Sage Advice

"Do you still have tonsils?"
"If you get them removed there'll be more room for dicks...back there."

Just leaving this here. And if you're...anyone but a're welcome.

Btw, can we get Dana DeArmond and Skin Diamond their own talk show? The wits on those two are amazing. #NoTypos

Throwback Thursday: "Foe tha Love of $" — Bone Thugs-N-Harmony ft. Eazy E

If you're in your 30s, then 21 years ago you were probably pumping this at volumes that made your parents angry and your neighbors uncomfortable. Say what you will about Bone Thugs, but they still remain one-of-a-kind. No group has ever emerged with that kind of harmonious gangsta flow before or since.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Grand Theft Auto V Crash

Here's one for all of you GTA fans. This is insane. Somewhere out there, Michael Bay is closing his eyes and sliding his hand down his pants.

From Playboy:
After a tiny motorcycle crash, the other drivers just keep plowing forward and swerving through pedestrians and wrecked cars until it’s turned into complete mayhem.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Monday Kickstart (Part 2): Inspiration

This week's inspiration is the beautiful Autumn Lynn...whose name is kind of ironic, since this picture is the essence of summer.

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart (Part 1): Flute Flute, Beep Beep

I miss L.A. So much. Beautiful women. Beautiful scenery. And beautiful music.

Next time you're jamming in your car and get a little self-conscious because people might see you singing, relax and think about this guy.