Sunday, August 16, 2015

I've Forgotten How to Drink

I've Forgotten How to Drink

A lot has changed in my life in the past year. I got married, had a son and went full on adult (classified as knowing, by heart, the theme song to at least 2 TV shows designed for children). And with that has come many changes. One of them being that I don't go out anymore.

And by go out I mean go to the bar with the squad, drink 10 crown and cokes (with seriously try that shit it's delicious!) , coming home drunk as that thang and giving my old lady ye ol whisky dick.

Then it happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on this whole planet but I realized early that drinking and parenting don't mix.

A sexy black man decides to have a good time with old friends. We drink, we reminisce and we drink some more. Aforementioned Adonis comes home at reasonable hour and everyone in the house is asleep. That sexy fuck finally goes to bed at 3AM and promptly at 3:10AM his son wakes up and boy is he hungry. Hot bod dad knows what to do though. He drunkenly stumbles to the kitchen to prepare a bottle and realizes there are no prepared ones.


Sex god pappy makes bottle and then places it firmly in the freezer instead of the bottle warmer. I wander back to my sons room and realizes that he does not have the bottle.


A frantic search begins,

Is it in the fridge? Is it in the sink? Is it in a cabinet? Is it in my pocket? Did I even make a bottle? Am I even at home? Is this my kitchen? Which Kardashian would you pick if you could pick one to do the Alabama Pelvis Slammer on?

I start to question my own sanity and reality in general.Then a moment lucidness smacks me back into the light of being able to brain.


I complete the feeding task and lay in the bed and realize an important truth.

It is easy to get drunk, it incredibly difficult to get UN-DRUNK at 3 something in the morning with a screaming, hungry infant.

At that moment I decided not to drink that much anymore, which is basically not at all.

Until last night.

I went out! I broke away and ran free from the chains of parental bondage like Kunta Kinte. I drank, I conversed and for a moment I was an adult.

Then the fear kicked in.

Is this too much? I need to pace myself! But the drink is so damn delicious! Is buzzed parenting a thing? Is it like buzzed driving? What should I drink? Crown and coke? Seven and 7? A nice Port? How bout some Armagnac? Tall or short glass? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I then realized as I sipped on my Triple Crown and Pepsi that I no longer know how to drink.

I have to have a game plan now. Like I need to bring a white board and draw up drinking plays like I'm fucking George Halas and it's weird.

I had a few last night, not a lot, and my son woke up at 6 this morning bright eyed and though I was sleepy as fuck I didn't try to take him outside to poop on a leash...So I say last night was a win.

I'm ok with the whole arrangement

Last night I realized I don't know how to drink anymore and you know what? I'm ok with this

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