I've Forgotten How to Drink

I've Forgotten How to Drink


A lot has changed in my life in the past year. I got married, had a son and went full on adult (classified as knowing, by heart, the theme song to at least 2 TV shows designed for children). And with that has come many changes. One of them being that I don't go out anymore.

And by go out I mean go to the bar with the squad, drink 10 crown and cokes (with lime...no seriously try that shit it's delicious!) , coming home drunk as that thang and giving my old lady ye ol whisky dick.

Then it happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on this whole planet but I realized early that drinking and parenting don't mix.

A sexy black man decides to have a good time with old friends. We drink, we reminisce and we drink some more. Aforementioned Adonis comes home at reasonable hour and everyone in the house is asleep. That sexy fuck finally goes to bed at 3AM and promptly at 3:10AM his son wakes up and boy is he hungry. Hot bod dad knows what to do though. He drunkenly stumbles to the kitchen to prepare a bottle and realizes there are no prepared ones.

"FUCK, I HAVE TO BRAIN NOW!"

Sex god pappy makes bottle and then places it firmly in the freezer instead of the bottle warmer. I wander back to my sons room and realizes that he does not have the bottle.

"FUCK, WHERE IS THE BOTTLE?"

A frantic search begins,

Is it in the fridge? Is it in the sink? Is it in a cabinet? Is it in my pocket? Did I even make a bottle? Am I even at home? Is this my kitchen? Which Kardashian would you pick if you could pick one to do the Alabama Pelvis Slammer on?

I start to question my own sanity and reality in general.Then a moment lucidness smacks me back into the light of being able to brain.

"FUCK, IT'S IN THE FREEZER!"

I complete the feeding task and lay in the bed and realize an important truth.

It is easy to get drunk, it incredibly difficult to get UN-DRUNK at 3 something in the morning with a screaming, hungry infant.

At that moment I decided not to drink that much anymore, which is basically not at all.

Until last night.

I went out! I broke away and ran free from the chains of parental bondage like Kunta Kinte. I drank, I conversed and for a moment I was an adult.

Then the fear kicked in.

Is this too much? I need to pace myself! But the drink is so damn delicious! Is buzzed parenting a thing? Is it like buzzed driving? What should I drink? Crown and coke? Seven and 7? A nice Port? How bout some Armagnac? Tall or short glass? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I then realized as I sipped on my Triple Crown and Pepsi that I no longer know how to drink.

I have to have a game plan now. Like I need to bring a white board and draw up drinking plays like I'm fucking George Halas and it's weird.

I had a few last night, not a lot, and my son woke up at 6 this morning bright eyed and though I was sleepy as fuck I didn't try to take him outside to poop on a leash...So I say last night was a win.

I'm ok with the whole arrangement

Last night I realized I don't know how to drink anymore and you know what? I'm ok with this

Standing Tall

The world needs more Brad Knudsons, and fewer Deron Puros.

From Global Grind:

A Minnesota father took a stand against both bullying and racism when he took to YouTube to expose the students taunting his adopted African-American daughter.

In the heartbreaking video above, Brad Knudson explains that his daughter’s friend came to the family to inform them that twins at her Prior Lake school were sending Dierdra racist Snapchat videos. Knudson and his wife recorded the Snapchats from their phone — in the shot videos, the twins can be heard calling Dierdra a n****r and a fat bitch.

Knudson, who adopted Dierdra 11 years ago, says the family has “dealt with a little bit of racism, you know, stares, things like that when she calls us Mom or Dad,” but blew it off because “it was directed toward us.” But the videos were too much for the family — Knudson, who said he loves Dierdra more than his own life, decided to take a stand against racism and bullying because a close friend of theirs lost their 13-year-old son to bullying not long ago.

This guy Puro is pure scum, and yet another sterling example of why you should be required by law to get a license before being allowed to be a parent. Brad Knudson, though? He's the gold standard, and would never have to renew his license. He's good for life.

You Gon' Learn

Real talk, my mom was white, but really she was a black mom. Or maybe she just learned it from marrying a black man. Either way, she's the latter of these two moms. (And I'm all the better for it.)

Not Having Kids

I highly recommend folks try this. In the red states, especially.

F.O.H.: Parenting--You're Doing It Wrong

When your 14-year-old son steals an SUV, leads police on a chase, and then wrecks the vehicle into other motorists on the highway, your credentials as a parent are, understandably, on thin ice.

From the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

A 14-year-old boy was listed in critical condition after a police chase and crash on the inbound Parkway East on Sunday evening.

The boy was driving a stolen 2001 Jeep Cherokee erratically and Penn Hills police attempted to stop the vehicle on Rodi Road. It entered the parkway and crashed at about 6:15 p.m., rolling over at the Churchill interchange. The inbound side of the highway was closed for about five hours.

But hey, kids are still kids, and not every crime is evidence of poor parenting. How you, as a mother or father, react to your child's mistake goes miles towards explaining just what kind of future he will have...

In an interview with WPXI-TV this morning, the boy's mother faulted the car owner for leaving the keys in the vehicle and took police to task for chasing the car, saying it was possible he was just joyriding.

...Well, looks like he's going to be a horrible, horrible person. Just like his mother.

This is why they need to start requiring people to earn a special license before they're allowed to raise kids. Do you really have the audacity to claim your son was not fully to blame for stealing a vehicle? Newsflash, princess: When you blame the victim of your kid's crime, you're showing the world the very reason that your child is committing crime in the first place. What kind of an example is this for a 14-year-old? If I had so much as touched a parked car without explicit permission when I was that age, my mom (who raised me as a single mother for the majority of my life) would've kicked my ass for a solid half hour, and then hit me with the, "Just WAIT 'til I tell your father about this!" (As if she hadn't just put me in traction herself...)

Fuck outta here...

F.O.H.: Parenting