Sunday, December 26, 2010

Hef Puts a Ring on It

I hope I'm still getting 24 year old tail when I'm 84.

Actually, who am I kidding? I don't get it at 31, and there's no way in Hell I'm living to see 84.

From Yahoo! News:
Hugh Hefner, the twice-married founder of Playboy, is taking the plunge again.

Hefner, 84, said on Saturday in a posting on Twitter that he and his girlfriend Crystal Harris, 24, got engaged on Friday.

"When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory," Hefner tweeted.
Congrats to Uncle Hugh and Crystal. Any chance I can get an invite to the wedding? I'm sure it would make for a legendary On The Rocks post (not to mention it'll be a bridesmaids-Mecca).

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Holidays from Crooked Straight

Here's to relaxing with a few friends this Xmas. Hope you got (or are going to get) everything you wanted.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Daily Dunk: Guess Who

I'm running out of things to say about this kid, so I'll just quote ESPN's J.A. Adande tweet: "Griffin almost hit his head on the international space station while throwing down an alley oop."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Brawl & Panties

This...this is something that we live for. When I say "we", I mean mankind. This, gentlemen...this is nirvana. Soak it in, watch it over and over. Because this is as good as life gets.

For more on the brawl, check this article. TJ with the assist.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Fair Play

These days it’s rare (maybe too rare) that either Kev or I (or, heaven-forbid, TJ) do a pure opinion piece on Crooked Straight. Lately we’ve stuck to just sharing videos, stories, and pictures of beautiful women, occasionally adding a thought or two behind why we feel you need to make those things a part of your pop culture consciousness. But as I’m bored and short on funny videos at the moment, I thought I’d take this time to share some levelheaded thought with those out there who need it most: NFL Columnists (fellow bloggers are being lumped into this demographic).

The end of yesterday’s Eagles/Giants game was mesmerizing, to say the least. Michael Vick took control of the game and, for the first time, put his stamp on the Eagles as his team. But soon after DeSean Jackson’s improbable walk-off punt return touchdown brought the New Meadowlands Stadium crowd to its knees, a grumble began emanating from sports columnists and bloggers. It was a whine best exemplified by that of Chris Chase at Shutdown Corner:
But let's say the Giants did walk off without shaking hands. How is that any worse sportsmanship than DeSean Jackson tauntingly holding the ball aloft at the 30-yard line and running parallel to the goal line before scoring?
Several times in the past, I have found many an argument against common sense in Chase’s views on the NFL world. Despite that, I agree with most of what he’s said in this blog about Vick’s riff on the Giants’ sportsmanship. What I disagree with, though, is the vilification of DeSean’s act of trotting parallel to the goal line to run out the clock.

Chase is hardly alone in his unfair castigation of DJax’s clock-killing trot. Even Jason Whitlock, who I more often than not view as the gold standard for truthfulness in sports analysis, tweeted that the act was a taunt. But, as the guy who Whitlock was responding to correctly stated, there is a sad double standard taking place here. Brandon Stokely made a very similar move to erode time from the clock before scoring against Cincinnati last year. Where were the cries from detractors and accusations of taunting from columnists and bloggers after that play?

Now, before anyone mistakenly accuses me of fanning the flames of racism here, let me state that the difference in reaction to these two plays is not in any way based on the fact that Stokely is white and Jackson is black. Skin color has very little, if anything, to do with the unfair criticism of DJax’s actions. No, the reason behind this animosity towards his play is that DJax is, in fact, a taunter.

He always has been. From his days as a star at the University of California, to just last week when he did a trust fall into the end zone following a 91 yard catch-and-run. Jackson even taunts on the very punt return in question. As Chase observes, he holds the ball up in the air in triump as he begins to realize that no one will catch him. But Chase himself correctly asserts, “This sportsmanship thing goes too far sometimes.” And in this case it has gone so far as to allow an incredibly intelligent play be besmirched by onlookers as typical DJax audacity.

You see, Jackson’s not just a bold, taunting, in-your-face talent, he’s also a very young player who, until now, had been prone to acts of stupidity. Moments like the one he had in a game against Dallas in his rookie year, when he dropped the football in celebration before reaching the end zone. But while the bravado of Jackson’s game has only slightly diminished, the mindless actions of a standout rookie have now been replaced by the savvy of a star 3rd year veteran.

This play was a watermark in his career, a heady play that showed his desire to win the day for his team weighed heavier on his mind than any urge to showboat and self-promote. Watch Jackson’s body language as he crosses the 20 yard line. His demeanor visibly goes from celebration to game management. He begins moving away from the sideline, and as he nears the 5 he accelerates past a Giants defender—who could easily have ruined everything had Jackson begun slacking—cutting across the field while scanning the mayhem around him for (1.) a game clock, to try and assure that not a second remained on it, and (2.) other Giants who might seize the opportunity to keep him from crossing into the end zone. And as for Jackson’s postgame claim that he did it for excitement? I’m not buying it. That statement itself is the materialization of Jackson’s showboating nature; the body language coming from the man as he ran laterally across the field spoke more truth than any Willie Beamon-esque self-aggrandizing he wanted to do for the DJax brand. It’s clear in his demeanor that he wasn’t looking to run the goal line in some attempt to attract attention. He doesn’t do jumping jacks or strike a Heisman pose. Instead he keeps his head on a swivel, and keeps the ball and the final seconds away from the Giants.

And even his initial taunt of raising the ball in the air isn’t so arrogant as to warrant condemnation. He didn’t point at any Giants’ player, or at their bench or fans. He simply showed genuine exuberance; and, more than likely, it was probably only a 100th of what he was feeling in that split second Remember, up until that afternoon it wasn’t even certain whether or not Jackson would be playing in the game, as a foot injury had kept him limited in practice for most of the week. Now, at the end of the day, he had helped his team complete one of the most thrilling comebacks in NFL history. I’d say that moment deserved a high step, or a celebratory dive into the end zone. But that clever veteran DeSean realized that over-the-top embellishment wasn’t what would win the game.

Maybe more NFL columnists should realize that, too.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Xmas List 2010: Scarlett Johansson

Just saying... Ryan's loss could be my holiday gain.

"Cut the camera!! Cut the camera!!"


Throwback Thursday: "In My Bed" -- Dru Hill

This is the track that lit the fuse on Dru's three year run as the biggest name in R&B. I still remember people at the prom & post-prom parties trying to simulate the synchronized dance move at the 2:55 mark.

Overall, the video is clever and stays true to the song. And it even features a surprise twist ending (and, in my opinion, a lol-worthy final frame).

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tail Report: Odaymis Romero

With all respect due to LeBron and Dwyane, the only talents in South Beach that I'm interested in watching are Ms. Romero's (a Heat Dancer). Te amo, mami...

Daily Dunk: Jeremy Pargo

Yeah, we've been slacking on the DDs a bit, folks, and for that we apologize. But I'm making it up to you with this absolute sickness. Remember Jeremy Pargo? One-time Gonzaga stud, the brother of NBA player Jannero (and a Chi-Town native)? He's doing his thing in the Israeli pros. And his thing, it seems, is to completely shatter ankles and faces, occasionally on the same play. Your second candidate for dunk of the year.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Respect My Gangsta: Kobe Bryant

From ESPN Chicago:
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama, who's been a Chicago Bulls supporter much longer than he's been the commander in chief, seamlessly transitioned from politician to trash-talking fan Monday when surrounded by the back-to-back champion Los Angeles Lakers.

"Derrick Rose may have your number," President Obama lightheartedly jabbed at Kobe Bryant as the team posed for a photograph after presenting the president with an autographed replica 2009-10 championship banner, like the one that hangs at Staples Center.

..."I said, 'If he calls that number, I'll be sure to pick up after the fifth ring,'" Bryant quipped back -- referring, naturally, to the five championship rings he has.

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Friday

Time for muchos cervezas...

Have It Your Way

They've told us for years that fast food is bad for your health. A man in Detroit probably should've heeded that advice and thought better of getting a Whopper yesterday.

From The Huffington Post:
DETROIT — A 20-year-old Burger King employee who was arguing with a customer in a crowded fast food restaurant punched the 67-year-old man, who fell and later died, police said Friday.

The punch may have caused the older man to choke on his dentures, WJBK-TV reported.

Police said the customer was reportedly causing a disturbance Thursday afternoon at the restaurant on the city's east side and tried to hit the worker, who swung back.
I'm not sure I could have less sympathy for this guy. All accounts seem to indicate that he was acting a fool, and that he swung on the employee first. Don't get it twisted--the customer's not ALWAYS right. If you're 67 and are thinking of swinging on someone a third of your age over some onion rings, nature's going to have it's way with you.

[Ed. Note: The file name for the BK logo above is "BURGER_KING_DEATH_PUNCH". Priceless.]

"Smoke Dog, baby!"

There may be a 13 year age difference between us, but Miley Cyrus is bucking to become a future Ex Mrs. D.E.F.I. Her rep as a bit of a "bad girl", which had been slowly growing over the last couple of years, is beginning to snowball.

Last month, Miley Cyrus told MTV News about her plans for her 18th birthday, which she said would probably include "a fun party and then maybe ... a vacation with my family." On Friday (December 10), we finally saw footage of that party — or, at least a party — though Miley probably wishes we hadn't. has posted a video clip of Cyrus smoking a bong — reportedly filled with salvia, a psychoactive (though, in her home state of California, technically legal) herb — and then collapsing in a fit of giggles while her friends egg her on ... and, somewhat inexplicably, Bush's "Come Down" blasts in the background.

"Having a little bit of a bad trip," Cyrus laughs in the video, moments after taking a hit. She then randomly switches topics, shouting (at something or someone off camera), "Is that Liam [Hemsworth]'s lookalike, or what the hell is that? Is that my boyfriend?"

She then spends roughly the next 90 seconds laughing uncontrollably while someone behind the camera asks her to "tell us your thoughts, girl, tell us what's on your mind!" and an unidentified man in the background totally houses a box of Frosted Flakes.
Honestly, reading about that party scene made me stop and question whether or not I was there.

Maybe it's my cynical side talking, but I'm really enjoying her descent from a bubblegum pop star persona into that of a dirty girl. All we need now is a Playboy pictorial around the time of her 19th birthday next year, and her transition to the Dark Side will be complete.

Miley—Call me, girl.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"Lay Off Me I'm Starving!"

I'm thinking one of this girl's parents is the reason why Dominos adopted a "30 minutes or it's free" guarantee some years back. Pizza is supposed to be a joyous thing; to see it bring such anger to someone is so sad.

Also, if your desire for cheese, grease, and salt is causing this much hypertension for you, you probably shouldn't be eating cheesy, greasy, and/or salty things. This chick might be having a heart attack at this very moment.

From Deadspin:

TJ with the find.

Throwback Thursday: "Never Leave" -- Lumidee ft. Busta Rhymes & Fabolous

To be honest, I was conflicted when choosing this track for Throwback Thursday. Con: The track was one of those "Summer of [enter year here]" anthems that quickly become about as irritating and worthwhile as a lecture on quantum physics by Snooki. Pro: If you've managed to avoid listening to it since the summer of 2003 (as I more-or-less have), it'll hit you like the fresh & catchy head-nodder that it was when brand new. Pro: The video features an array of (refreshingly realistic) Butter Rican beauties. Con: The lead artist ain't one of them.

But, ultimately, the energetic video and rhythm (don't even try to lie like I'm the only one who ever clapped along to this at a club in '03; I saw some of y'all drunk asses doing it too) and slick rhymes by Fab & Busta win out and make it worth a play or two. Then we can put it back in the closet next to "I'm Real" (really, Ja?).

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

O' Tannen-bombed

Given the significance of trees during this time of year, this guy definitely wasn't the first to ever think of doing this. He may, however, be the first to get caught.

From The Huffington Post:
Perhaps they should call it a case of "Merry-Juana." A German man is now facing drug possession charges after local police discovered a six-foot-tall marijuana plant in his home that had been decorated with twinkling Christmas lights, the AFP is reporting.

"The marijuana plant had been put in a Christmas tree stand and decorated with a string of lights," officers said in a statement, according to the AFP. "When asked, the hashish fan told the perplexed officers that he had intended to add more decorations to the 'tree' and place the presents under it, according to tradition." Times Live reports that 150 grams of marijuana had been found in the man's home in Koblenz before the tree was discovered.
I wonder if he topped it with an angel, or a little figurine of Smokey sitting in Debo's pigeon coop?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tail Report: The Royal Flush Girls

As first reported yesterday, the upcoming 9th season of the World Poker Tour will feature a sextet of beautiful models dubbed "The Royal Flush Girls". Their duties on the tour appear to be handling the money shots presentations and bikini-clad frolicking in pools.

*Chris Rock smile* "Ain't nothin wrong with that!"


 Melanie (LOVE. HER.)





Monday, December 6, 2010

Xmas List 2010: Ferrari 458 Italia

The latest mechanical symphony composed by the prancing horse folks in Maranello is quite possibly the greatest sports car on the road today.  Pure, brilliant, madness.

The Top Gear (Britain) boys did a fantastic review last season.

Shuffle Up & Deal

The World Poker Tour is back for season 9, and they’ve taking things up a few notches. They’re bringing more in-depth analysis of the players, of the hands, and of the early rounds of each tournament. And they’ve added Tony Dunst and the smoking hot Royal Flush girls (I’m feeling a Tail Report in the near future). Anytime you can incorporate expert insight and gratuitous shots of beautiful women & tiny dresses & bikinis, I call that good television.

Friday, December 3, 2010

It's the Weekend

Time to read the signs...

(from the Two In The Shirt blog)

Video: Dula-Mite -- "Respect My F.R.E.S.H."/"Turn My Bass Up"

Who came home from Vegas days before they shot the "Respect My F.R.E.S.H." video? This guy. No lie, I'm a little salty about my dumb luck on that one.

But I digress. Once again the up-and-coming Dula-Mite does his thing, throwing the 7-0-2 on his back. After this and his previous video, I'm starting to think the Young Fly Mistaz are some angry dudes. Do a shot and relax, homie. lol.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Throwback Thursday: "I Need a Girl (Part 2)" -- P. Diddy ft. Ginuwine, Mario Winans, & Loon

To paraphrase Mr. Diddy in the style of Mr. Cee Lo Green: "I see you ridin 'round town, Jen...and I'm like 'Fuck you!'"

Additional thought: Has the city of Miami had to pay any marketing fees to Diddy? He's done more to promote that city than Dan Marino and LeBron James could ever dream to.

Cleveland vs. LeBron

The day has come. After the flaming jerseys, media whirlwinds, jokes, tears, and anger in the five months since "The Decision", the first page in the next chapter of Cleveland's sports history begins tonight: Heat @ Cavs.

Wright Thompson put together an incredible piece on Cleveland, its people, and what sports and LeBron mean to this city "on a precipice" for ESPN's Outside The Lines.
He accosts me for my company's role in "The Decision" -- I actually understand his anger, though I won't say that to his face -- and I tell him what he can do to himself. He likes this answer, which is as Cleveland as his rage at the four letters on my press pass. Raab motions me over to the side of the locker room and digs around in his backpack until he finds it, safe in a plastic bag: a ticket stub. It's from the 1964 NFL Championship Game -- the last title the city won. He passes it to me carefully. Section 7, Row Z, Seat 19. Carrying this stub doesn't make him strange. It makes him a Cleveland sports fan.
I recommend reading the whole story, which reveals a lot about both Cleveland and LeBron James.

I—and likely 99% of the nation—will be hoping for a Cavs win (I'll also be hoping for a win for the Cavs fans, in that no one does anything incredibly stupid or harmful at the game tonight; no need to threaten or throw batteries, folks). My boys Esq and Baby Joey, though, ever the LeBron groupies, will be waiting for James outside of the locker room at the game tonight, too. I can't wait to hear their tales of this night when they get back.

Unless the Heat win. Then I won't be so lucky as to not hear their retelling of the night.

His Airness Rises Above

I like this. Don't remember hearing the MJ part before, but it fits perfectly here. Props to my boy Dom with the assist.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Video: Diddy-Dirty Money ft. Skylar Grey -- "Coming Home"

The newest release from the group's upcoming "Last Train to Paris" album looks over Diddy's past and asks some interesting questions of a man who's found more than his fair share of success while dealing with more than his fair share of controversy. I'm definitely feeling this track (though I get the feeling Kev won't lol).

Daily Dunk: Ronnie Price

We're gonna go back a few years for this one, just because it needs some love. Current Utah backup PG Ronnie Price broke into the NBA as an undrafted free agent with the Kings in 2005. The next year, he went all John Starks on Carlos Boozer. For some perspective, Price is 6'2, 187. Booze is 6'9, 266. Didn't matter, cuz Ronnie has a 41.5-inch vertical leap. Ouch.