Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Download: Dula-Mite -- "Fight Music"

New music straight from Sin City. Dula-Mite of the Young Fly Mistaz cracks his knuckles, takes off his watch & chain, and squares up.

"I don't talk real loud, I'm 'bout makin green,
cuz real n****s stay silent--I'm Mr. Bean,
I'm not the rapper that you wanna do a song with,
I embarrass other rappers on they own shit"

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Tail Report: 2010 Emmy Awards

As usual, there was some tastiness on display on the red carpet last night.

Christina Hendricks (She might just be the hottest department store mannequin since Kim Cattrall.)

Eva La Rue (There's really only one reason that I kind of miss The Ex forcing me to watch "CSI Miami", and it ain't David Caruso.)

Olivia Munn (Wifey-level.)

Sofia Vergara (Although her wardrobe at the awards is nothing compared to what her wardrobe on Sunset is going to be because of the awards.)

An Emmy for her Golden Globes?

ABC's hit sitcom "Modern Family" won the Emmy last night for "Outstanding Comedy Series". And, normally, news like this would mean absolutely nothing.

Oh, but thanks to Sofia Vergara, it means a whole lot. Earlier this month, the Colombian bombshell pledged to power-walk naked down Sunset Boulevard if her show took home the award. Last night's victory now means that the pressure is on Sofia to keep her promise, and straight males from around the country will be camped out on Sunset.

I need a plane ticket and a folding chair. Yo Kev, I'm going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Soccer Sideline Reporter Murked


Pete Carroll Pranks Seahawks

Pete Carroll was known for pulling a few pranks on his players when he coached at USC. But those were just young, naive college kids. A grown ass man wouldn't fall for silly stunts like that, right?

Throwback Thursday: "One Love" -- Nas

Classic track off of "Illmatic" that I guarantee still makes your head nod. Nas' gift for lyricism and imagery are on full display here; in fact, the third verse was eventually used by Hype Williams for a scene near the end of "Belly".

Miss Universe Pageant: Feel the Excitement

A couple of things to keep in mind when watching the clip below:
  1. This was recorded as Miss Philippines was selected for the final round;
  2. Her answer to the judges' question in the final round is thought to have caused her to finish 5th out of the final five contestants;
  3. As far as I know, there is no follow-up video of these guys after she was announced fourth runner up;
  4. I think it's safe to assume, therefore, that they committed a group suicide following the results.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Wireless Routing

Ever feel a little too plugged in? In today's tweeting, friend-suggesting, blog-linking, 24-hour-news-breaking culture, it's easy to get overwhelmed by the constant flow of information coming at you from every angle. One NYC man, Mark Malkoff, has set out to unplug from the Matrix and let his mind detox.
So I’ve recently come to terms that I’m an online addict. It’s a struggle to get anything accomplished because of my addiction which includes: Email, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and especially online news sites. I go multiple times an hour to Huffington Post, Drudge, Deadline Hollywood, CNN, Fox News, The Daily Beast, NY Post, and NY Daily News. Twitter is just as bad.

My solution is to go on a 5 day online cleanse. In the past I’ve tried to stop using the internet in my daily life and lasted only a few hours. But for this to really work I need a place with zero distractions and temptations. And I have found that very place. It’s located…in my BATHROOM. This is where I will remain 24/7 for the next five days from Monday August 23rd until Saturday August 28th. No internet. No iphone. No TV. No laptop. No Twitter. No Facebook. No email. No news sites.

Quite ingenious, if you ask me. I'm curious to see how he'll feel when the net cleanse ends on Saturday. So far, it seems he's still firmly within the grips of withdrawal; earlier today his wife tweeted this from Mark's Twitter account:
"Without YouTube, Mark asked me to bring our cat into the bathroom in the hopes he'll do something funny. #netdetox2010"

Fare thee well, Mark.

Props to my girl Steph for the assist.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Road to Nowhere

And you thought your city's traffic was bad? If it still took you less than a day to get to where you were going, then I think some people in China would consider you lucky.

From Yahoo! News:
BEIJING (AFP) – Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days and highlights China's growing road congestion woes.

The Beijing-Tibet expressway slowed to a crawl on August 14 due to a spike in traffic by cargo-bearing heavy trucks heading to the capital, and compounded by road maintenance work that began five days later, the Global Times said.

I'm guessing that nine months from now, there's going to be a surge in births in that region. Lots of little Chevys, Mercedes, and Lexuses.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Throwback Thursday: "Black Ice" -- Goodie Mob ft. Outkast

There are actually two versions to this song, and I prefer the other to this one; but, this is the version that Goodie chose to use for the video, so it is what it is. Thankfully, Big Boi and Andre's verses remain the same in each version. 3000 absolutely obliterates the track, as usual.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Good Night's Breast

You know, typically when a woman keeps a velvet bag with a drawstring on her nightstand, her "nightly companion" damn sure ain't a Kush.

"I always sleep better with a little sausage in me."

Is breast discomfort really that big of a problem when you're sleeping, ladies? I'd like to perform some research on this ailment. E-mail me for details [women only; please include your name, age, measurements, likes, dislikes, marital status, and preference between Jodeci, Boyz II Men, or 2 Live Crew background music].

Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are

Who was hip-hop's top earner in the past year? No surprises here.

From MSN.com:
Four years ago Jay-Z issued a lyrical taunt to his fellow rappers: "What you call money, I pay more in taxes." Turns out his line was more than just a boast.

Jay-Z pulled in $63 million over the past 12 months, earning him his second-straight hip-hop cash crown. His income level places him in the 35 percent tax bracket, which means he'll pay Uncle Sam about $22 million this year -- a sum greater than the total earnings of any other rap star besides second-ranked Diddy.

Given today's financial landscape, as well as the woes of the record industry, it's worth noting that just about everyone in Forbes' top 20 has another hustle besides rap. And in most cases, the performer saw a significant portion of his earnings come from his other business ventures.

Papa Don't Play

Larry, let me know when you want to get that drink.

From MSN.com:
Laurence Fishburne has told his daughter she is no longer welcome in his life following her embarrassing step into the adult movie market.

Montana Fishburne recently moved out of the actor's Los Angeles home as she hatched plans to launch herself as a porn star, and did not speak to her famous father for several weeks after clips from her X-rated film debut hit the Internet.

The 19 year old finally contacted "The Matrix" star on Monday, and the pair endured a heated telephone conversation.

The teenager revealed to TMZ.com that her dad told her, "I'm not going to speak with you till you turn your life around ... You embarrassed me."

I really hope I never have a daughter. And not just because I'm friends with Dupa. Though that definitely wouldn't make things any better.

Feeling Stressed?

Forbes has released a list of America's most stressful cities. There seems to be a deep irony, though, in that three of the top ten (Miami, Tampa, and Vegas) are places where people typically go to unwind and get away from the daily grind.

01. Las Vegas, NV
02. Los Angeles, CA
03. Houston, TX
04. Tampa, FL
05. Riverside, CA
06. Miami, FL
07. Dallas, TX
08. New York, NY
09. Chicago, IL
10. Detroit, MI

I have to say, this list resonates with me on a personal level. Regardless of what Forbes may think, Pittsburgh's stress levels are fairly high, too. And, at different times, I have thought of moving to Tampa, Las Vegas, Miami, NYC, and my homeland of L.A. as a means of escaping to a brighter future. I guess no matter what seat you're in, you're always under the gun.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Coolest Flight Crew Ever

I might have to start flying Lufthansa. Of course, that means I'd have to start flying to places where Lufthansa operates, like Europe...

I might have to start flying to Europe.

Meth's Too Gangsta for 'Em

Sure, you might scare off a little reality/pop star like Tila Tequila by throwing cans and rocks at the stage like a collection of two year old jackasses. But you better bring some serious ruck if you want to get Method Man off the stage.

From CBS News:
According to TMZ, Wu-Tang Clan member Method Man also suffered an injury caused by the Gathering of Juggalos -- fans of the band -- when he was allegedly struck in the eye with a thrown beer can.

Method Man and pal Redman were performing Sunday night when all of a sudden what looked like a "full beer can" was thrown at Meth's face, resulting in a gash on the left side, says the celebrity website.

Redman then yelled expletives at the Juggalos, and told his buddy, "Your face is cut, go take care of that," reports TMZ.

However, reportedly Method Man did not scare as easily as the pint-sized Tila Tequila, and instead the bloodied rapper yelled out, "Start the music we're continuing the show, let's f*** these motherf***ers up."

A "hell yeah" to Meth on reaffirming his gangsta. But I hope these incidents lead to some serious charges being filed against these juggalo idiots.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Tail Report: Amanda Leatherman

This one's for my fellow rounders. I confess I've only just learned of Miss Leatherman, but any woman with legs like this who can hold her own from the cutoff position is instantly given a special place in my heart.

Via her Twitter feed:
"Best pic from my birthday."

Friday, August 13, 2010

It's Friday

Time to dumb out...

Sir Charles Challenges the "So-Called 'King'"

LeBron James is struggling to gain back face, but it's not working out so well.

After his disasterous "Decision" last month, Miami's newest transplant has faced a hurricane of criticism. In response, James recently issued a "warning" of sorts from his new Twitter account: "Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!"

While many people (including sportswriters like Bill Simmons and Jason Whitlock, and knuckleheads like TJ and this guy) chose snarky responses via the same 140 character venue, one NBA Legend used the radio airwaves to speak his mind on Bron-Bron's comments.

From The Huffington Post:
While being interviewed on ESPN Radio 103.3 FM in Dallas/Fort Worth on Wednesday night, Barkley snapped.

"I want him to make sure that he puts my name on that (list)," Barkley said, in reference to James' tweet. "I thought that his little one-hour special was a punk move," the analyst added, according to FanHouse.

Barkley continued, ranting about James's superstar teammates, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. Barkley discussed the trio's welcome ceremony in the Miami, calling their dancing during the reception "a punk move," too.

Barkley is not backing down.

"He knows where I'll be," Barkley said, seeming to be referencing to LeBron James. "I don't run. I'm on TV every week, I'm easy to find."

That's what you call a good ol' dose of "Sit down and shut up when grown folks is talking, youngin!"

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Brandon Marshall -- NBA Superstar?

With lockout looming in 2011, NFL players are making preparations for an uncertain future. For Brandon Marshall, the Miami Dolphins star wide receiver, that means asking his agent to look into a potential NBA contract.

From ESPN.com:
"My first team will be the Nuggets and my second team will be the Heat -- I'm serious," Marshall said.

Asked to clarify whether he will pursue a basketball career if there is no NFL season in 2011, Marshall said: "Not pursuing -- I'm going to be on an NBA team. Seriously."

Marshall said he was good enough to play shooting guard professionally.

I find the idea that Marshall would jeopardize his NFL career by playing basketball almost as laughable as the idea that he would actually make an NBA team. But the thought of him playing with that Devil's threeway known as Wade, LeBron, and Bosh is interesting, in a keyboard-playing-cat kind of way.

Throwback Thursday: "Ice Cream" -- Raekwon ft. Ghostface Killah, Cappadonna, & Method Man

Hall of Fame-level, CLASSIC track right here. All three emcees kill the beat, a merciless RZA production, and Meth rocks the hook and ad-libs to perfection.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bringing Down the House

If you have ever wondered why two people who are planning a wedding tend to argue about the guest list, then this video should clear things up a bit. Everyone likes to have a good time, but when your crazy cousin who's been taking pole dancing "fitness" classes gets that 5th glass of wine in her, things can get dangerous.

This clip is probably old (though this is the first I've seen it), and I'm not sure whether or not it's fake, but it's definitely a "win" for comedy.


[I seem to be on a bit of an Austin Powers kick. Anyways...]

Well folks, so much for me finding true love. Yesterday's internet phenomenon, the whiteboard-employing, boss-owning "Jenny," is all one big hoax. The lie was perpetrated by the very website that broadcast her story, The Chive. Her real name is Elyse Porterfield, she's an actress in L.A., and I feel like my fairytale princess just turned into a pumpkin. Or something like that.

...Actually, Elyse, you're still really hot. Call me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Tail Report: Camila and Mariana Davalos

"Twins, Basil. Twins!"



Serge with the assist

Mickey D's Meltdown

Sometimes you just really want some McNuggets.

From The Huffington Post:
TOLEDO, Ohio — A security video from a McDonald's in Ohio shows a woman punching two restaurant employees and smashing a drive-thru window because she couldn't get Chicken McNuggets.

The tantrum caught on tape in Toledo earlier this year shows the customer reaching through the drive-thru window, slugging one worker and then another. She then grabs a bottle out of her car and tosses it through the glass window before speeding off.

It happened early on New Year's Day. Police say Melodi Dushane was angry that McNuggets weren't being served, because it was breakfast time.

Dushane says she was drunk at the time. She was sentenced to 60 days in jail last month and ordered to pay McDonald's for the broken window.

Another Dissatisfied Customer

More inspiration to quit your job: After yesterday's epic "take this flight attendant job and shove it" episode from Steven Slater, the blogosphere is ripe with other stories of disgruntled employees going out on their own terms. And after seeing just what kind of ownage "Jenny" is capable of, I think she may just be the perfect woman (call me, shortie).

From The Chive:
We received the following photos last night from a person who works with this girl. Her name is Jenny (not confirmed) - we're working our contact for Jenny's last name. Yesterday morning, Jenny quit her job with a (flash)bang by emailing these photos to the entire office, about 20 employees we're told. Awesome doesn't begin to describe this office heroine.

UPDATE: The Chive is a dick of a friend. "Jenny" is a hoax.

Monday, August 9, 2010

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!"

If you’re going out, go out with a bang.

Steven Slater, a Jet Blue airline attendant, followed that credo to the fullest today.

Port Authority of New York and New Jersey police say Slater was working on a JetBlue Airways Corp. flight from Pittsburgh when he got into a heated argument with the passenger about baggage. They say as the plane was landing Slater used the public-address system to berate the passenger. They say he then activated the slide, slid down and went to his car.

The New York Daily News reported that he took over the intercom and called the passenger a 12-letter epithet beginning with m and then told everyone, "I've been in the business 28 years. I've had it. That's it."

Only a yinzer could irritate someone to the point where they snap in such an extreme fashion. Though I have to say, if you’ve been a flight attendant for 28 years…maybe it’s time for a career change, anyways? And why did it take police so long to catch this guy? He opened a plane's escape slide, slid down, probably took an employee shuttle to the lot where his car was, and then drove home, all of which must've taken a couple of hours at a minimum.

Nevertheless, Mr. Slater is now in the lead for "coolest quitting ever"—you know, aside from the jailtime and all.

UPDATE: ABC News has covered the story, and it's definitely worthy of a viewing (apparently Slater grabbed a couple of beers before taking off...fantastic).


Here's a clip that I somehow missed during the years of the Arsenio Hall Show: Arsenio goes off on several gay rights activists from the group "Queer Nation" when they stage an ambush protest during taping of his show. Instead of trying to ignore them or simply signal for security to remove them, he confronts them head-on and dismantles their arguments. This is great.

(Spotted on Aziz Ansari's blog, "Aziz is Bored".)

Best... Catch... Ever.

I'm sure most of you have seen this, but for the few that missed it last week, this catch in the Japanese league is simply ridiculous. Sure, some outfielders jump over the wall to make the catch but this guy jumped on top of the wall.

Friday, August 6, 2010

It's the Weekend

Time to get inappropriate...

If She Wins, We Win

I've never watched ABC's hit sitcom "Modern Family". But don't take that to mean I think poorly of it; sometimes it just takes a little nudge to get me to start watching something, no matter how many people tell me it's the best thing on TV (that goes for your shows too, fans of "Rescue Me," "Mad Men," and "Sons of Anarchy"). And this might just be the nudge I need:

From MSN.com's Wonderwall:
Network bosses at ABC responded to the success of "Modern Family" by running a "for your consideration" ad in industry publication Variety, declaring that if the show beats "Glee," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Nurse Jackie," "The Office" and "30 Rock" to the Outstanding Comedy Series prize, [Sofia] Vergara will "run naked down Sunset Blvd."

The cheeky ad did include a disclaimer, stating, "Cast member may change without notice."

But Vergara admits she's keen to sway members of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to vote for her series, by rising to the challenge and baring all on the busy L.A. street.

She says, "You know what, that's ridiculous. I cannot run; I have bad knees. I was planning to do that, you know the sport where they... speed walk. But that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to run."

Whether or not this gets me to watch "Modern Family" this fall, one thing's for sure: I'll be watching to see if it wins that Emmy.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Throwback Thursday: "Passin Me By" -- The Pharcyde

Pharcyde never got enough credit. I once popped a mix CD into my car stereo, and when this track came on my friend said, "I haven't heard this in a minute!" Before I could ask if he was a Pharcyde fan, though, he added, "Wait, isn't this that Joe song?"


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

New Dance: "The Ice Cream Truck"

This shit is funny as hell. Only 46 seconds so watch it until the end, it finishes with a bang.

The Disease of Fame is Contagious

In the first day of his recent—and hilarious—foray into the world of Twitter, Kanye West quickly picked up over 120,000 followers. And with tweets like, "Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on", it's easy to see why. Until last Saturday, however, he himself did not follow any Tweeps. Announcing that he would choose one fan to follow, Kanye selected Steven Holmes, a teen from Britain. And then, for Holmes, all hell broke loose:

(From Stop The Presses)
In an exclusive interview with his hometown paper, the Coventry Telegraph, Holmes says he was immediately barraged through Twitter and his phone with requests from media organizations. He says he turned down interviews with the BBC, CNN, and New York Magazine, among others.

Since Saturday night, when the rap star chose to follow him on Twitter, Holmes began receiving messages from people desperate to get West's attention. People tried to send him film trailers and music demos, hoping to reach 33-year-old Kanye and his 400,000-plus followers. "I didn't want to talk to any of them," Holmes told the Telegraph. "Fame has never appealed to me. It's vacuous."

Yet another symptom of a society willing to strangle its own common sense in exchange for fame. If you really think harassing some kid in Britain is going to lead to Kanye putting you on, then you need a strong slap upside your head.

[And while I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of the subject, don't forget to follow your favorite Crooked Straight writers on Twitter (K Lew: @kevfocusgroup; The D.E.F.I.: @crkstr_defi).]

Download: Lil Wayne ft. Drake "Right Above It"

These dudes are just getting it in right now. Money fallin off the trees and sh*t for YM. This beat goes hard, as does the whole track.

"I been fly so long I fell asleep on the fuckin' plane..." Weezy

*updated with cd quality

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Yet Another Favre Pass Intercepted

If he decides to finally retire from the gridiron this year, Brett Favre will have at least one hobby to occupy his new-found free time: sexting.

Dead Spin's A.J. Daulerio has released one of those stories that, when it's one of the first things you read on a Wednesday morning, you just know it's going to be a good day.

Here's another reason Brett Favre should stay retired this time: Turns out The Daily Line's Jenn Sterger has kept a ridiculously disturbing (but HILARIOUS) secret about her interactions with The Gunslinger while they were both part of the Jets organization.

...The interactions were flirty and strange but she didn't think there wasn't anything that made her too uncomfortable. But then, one night, Sterger received a picture on her phone which was so shocking that she just tossed it across the room. It was his dick. Brett Favre's dick. And it happened multiple times. In fact, Sterger claims that, in one of the photos Favre allegedly sent her, he's masturbating — while wearing a pair of Crocs.

Which brings to mind a question: What's the worse offense? Sending a "coworker" an unsolicited picture of you in the midst of self-copulation, or wearing Crocs? Sounds like a tossup to me.

For many people who only know the media-friendly side of Favre, this story's probably a shock. I am not one of those people, however, thanks to TJ. An ardent Chicago Bears fan, TJ lived in Wisconsin for a few years during Favre's time there. If there's one thing a Bears fan hates, it's the Green Bay Packers. And if there's an example of the Anti-Christ here on Earth, Bears fans will tell you that it's Brett Favre. And so the investigative reporter in TJ was ready to listen when presented with any dirty secrets or salacious tales about No. 4. He once shared the following with me, as told to him by a Packers beat writer:

Favre was notorious for cruising the local bars with some of his offensive lineman, à la Ben Ruthlessraper. And on multiple occasions, the highlight of the night would come when Favre stationed himself in the mens room while his teammates wingmen stood guard at the door. Female bargoers would line up and, for a $5 cover fee, would be allowed to enter The Gunslinger's private party and give their neck muscles a workout.

It looks like his time in the Big Apple inspired Brett to try a more modern method of creepily trolling for strange. Teaching an old dog new tricks is never easy though, as Sterger spurned his advances.
I just want to make it clear I never met him, saw him, etc... because I don't roll that way. That way meaning old.. or married. Some big boobed hoes have morals and souls believe it or not.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

President Clef

It's been rumored and speculated for a couple of weeks now, but it seems that Wyclef Jean is serious about his intentions to run for President of Haiti. CNN is now reporting that the Grammy Award-winning artist will officially declare his candidacy on Larry King Live this Thursday.

Personally, I applaud this move, which may be the first instance of a presidential candidate's motivations being completely pure and altruistic in quite some time. There is not much glory, money, or fame to be had by being elected president of Haiti—certainly not more than Wyclef has gained through his music career. He has always remained impassioned about his homeland, even appearing on 60 Minutes long before the devastating quake brought the impoverished nation onto the radar of the United States' collective consciousness.

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Slap to a Father's Face

This is Laurence Fishburne's hell.

As a proud father, a man can only hope to instill in his offspring the same values and positive character traits by which he, himself, has lived. That goes for any dad; but when you yourself have become rich and famous, you can't help but beam with pride in the opportunities that your hard work has not only produced for you, but for your child as well. And when you find out that your daughter wants to follow in your footsteps...well life just doesn't get much better, does it?

Fishburne, an acclaimed actor, has built a solid reputation for himself over his long career. He has starred in blockbuster films, and has become famous for numerous film, television, and stage roles; but he has never sold out in search of celebrity itself. So surely his 19 year old daughter, Montana, would do much the same in her burgeoning acting career, right?


In what surely has to be the press release most likely to make you start drinking before lunch today, Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company that gave us the notorious Kim Kardashian and Kendra Wilkinson tapes, explains Miss Fishburne's surprising foray into porn. "I view making this movie as an important first step in my career," she says. "I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid. I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."

She's not joking, no matter how much her father wishes she was. And just how badly do you think Fishburne is wishing that he had one of those blue pills from The Matrix?

This story is a sad commentary on a generation of our society raised to value fame over the very trades which once earned this treasured commodity. People—like Laurence Fishburne—used to become actors because they loved theater and the art of being a true thespian; now acting isn't the destination itself, but instead a trifling means of merely being recognized at the Gucci store.

And what must all of the yet-to-be-discovered actresses out there think of this? The ones struggling, working as waitresses and Miller Lite girls to pay their bills while they pursue their dream of acting—how do they feel about Montana, at the seasoned age of 19, deciding her "career" isn't moving fast enough for her liking? What does it say about the trade they love when a teenager—who has had every opportunity and advantage you could dream of handed to her—is foregoing all of the years of paying dues, using a sextape to get herself to the top?

If I ever have the honor of meeting Mr. Fishburne, I'm buying him a drink. I think he's going to need it.