Tuesday Kickstart: Try, Try Again

What happened to Monday, you ask? Fuck Monday.

No, you want an actual reason this wasn't posted yesterday? Umm. I, uh... Okay, I fell asleep early Sunday night, and didn't get a post put together. *shrug* Shit happens.

So do outtakes. If you're familiar with Glove and Boots, then you know they put together some of the best YouTube material out there. But even these guys aren't perfect. Case in point:



I only hope that brought you as much joy as it brought me. I have an inherent tendency to laugh at other people cracking (count me among those who loved Jimmy Fallon's inability to hold his shit on SNL). Gag reels are my spiritual center, and watching that video last night had me in hysterics. I'm talking, laughing-so-hard-I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't-breathe-so-hard-call-paramedics hysterics. Holy hell I'm ready to kill Tuesday after that.

Speaking of which, you had to wait an extra day for inspiration, and for that I apologize. All I can say is that I hope you'll agree that Miss... Miss de la Hoyde? *checks notes* We don't have a first name for her? Kev? TJ? No first name? Why should I even bother giving her a shout if we don't know her first na—

...oh. I see. Umm...I think that'll do. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: High Holiday

Happy 4/20, my good peoples. This video is a little old, having first hit the web late last year. But I move that it become a 4/20 tradition, the It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown of this weed smokers' holiday—a holiday that's only going to get bigger as marijuana legalization spreads across the country.



Those ladies rock. Gangsta grannies. Who wouldn't love to see their grandmother get stoned? The closest I ever came was smoking with one of my aunts. Both of my grandmothers have been gone for quite some time, but I know both would've been hilarious while high. If you're lucky enough to still have your grandparents in your life, get them high, as a thank you for being awesome.

This week's inspiration is a beautiful, swirling blend of curves and fluid movement, like smoke itself. Introducing Ms. Jena Frumés:

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Living No Mas

I've always hated Taco Bell. Okay, to be fair, it may not have started as hate. Maybe more as the little gnat you ignore. Growing up in SoCal, you knew they existed, in kind of the same way that you knew a snowy road existed. "It's out there, but it's not my problem."

But, when I moved to Pittsburgh and began spending about 3/4 of my calendar year here, it entered my consciousness. Around then, it became an amusing sight to dismiss. "Oh, a Taco Bell. Nice, there's a McDonald's next to it!"

As I grew older, though, I've listened to Pittsburghers around me—most of whom have never actually met a Mexican person—talk about Taco Bell as though it was what God is reaching for in "The Creation of Adam". And that's when my hatred began. Because Taco Bell is white food in brownface.



This clip does make me hungry, though—for real Mexican food. If only I still lived in a part of the country where I could actually get some. But hey, there's always McDonald's...

Now for something authentic and truly delicious, I give you Ms. Savannah Davies:

Now THAT'S mouthwatering. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Superman that Flow

Our differences aren't as profound as some people out there want you to believe they are.

Post by 21:03.

I'm in tears every time I watch that shit. He killed every last bit of it. And even threw in the Carlton. Fucking done.

This week's inspiration is downright heroic. The world needs a hero, and Joanie Brosas is that hero:

I feel safer already. Let's go.

Dropping by Unannounced

Bruh.

From Yahoo! News:

Firefighters in Southern California responded to an unusual call over the weekend at the home of a man who awoke to find his ex-girlfriend naked and stuck inside the fireplace.

According to Riverside County officials, the 35-year-old woman, who was not identified, tried to enter the Woodcrest, Calif., home where her ex-boyfriend and three children live through the front door early Saturday morning, but it was locked. So she climbed on the roof, stripped off her clothes and tried to shimmy down the chimney.

BRUH.

I feel you, though man. The crazy ones are like a drug. Or on drugs. He lives there with his three—count 'em, one, two, THREE—kids, and she's trying to break in. Naked.

...bruh.

Monday Kickstart: Pop Culture

Thanks to YouTube, you can once again watch TV commercials that you watched as a kid. But when you do, you quickly realize just how disturbingly far from reality the writing of those ads strayed. And if you were to crossbreed that TV-commercial-universe with real life... Well, you'd get this masterpiece by Aubrey Plaza and her pals.



I bet you'll be randomly singing that jingle to yourself all day. Ring Pop!

This week's inspiration is a woman I would be proud to have wearing my Ring Pop, Ms. Samantha Rodríguez:

Te amo. Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to throw it like a porn star...



From Huffington Post.

Naked Woman Rages at Mickey D's

Bet you can't guess what sta—

"Florida?"

...Oh, yeah, I guess you can.

From Faded Industry:

Unbelievable security camera footage shows a crazed topless woman in just her panties tearing apart a Florida McDonald’s. The video shows the nude, extremely agitated lady start her tirade by screaming into the St. Petersburg restaurant’s kitchen before slamming her head onto the counter in a maniacal rage. This isn’t a joke although watching it is extremely funny and entertaining. After proceeding to furiously dump the contents of a refrigerator onto the floor as employees stare in disbelief, she sticks her head under the soft serve dispenser and helps herself to a face full of ice cream.

Tuesday Kickstart: Say It Like You Mean It

In tribute to our smooth ass founding fathers, we start this week a day later than usual. But to start it off right, we're going to share a refresher on basic grammar, as taught by Glove and Boots.




This week's inspiration is Valentine themed; and though I still refuse to recognize that day as being a real thing, Kylie Johnson is one of the few who might could make me reconsider that opinion:

Might could. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Got a Light?

Where else but Russia?



How didn't Russia win the Cold War? Seriously, its entire populace appears to be made up of fearless, vodka swilling maniacs.

This week's motivation is Jennifer...well, we don't seem to have a last name. Maybe it's written on her clothes somewhere...

...I can't remember what I was looking for, but I'm fairly certain I found it. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Drop It Like a Symphony

If there's one thing I love, it's a woman with class and sophistication.

From Cosmopolitan (TJ with the assist):

A video of Chicago-based burlesque performer Michelle L’Amour is having a well-deserved viral moment right now — because she’s twerking the shit out of some classical music. And it’s genius.

...She can have all my cash. And the credit cards. Fuck it babe, take my wallet.

In fact, Michelle, take the inspiration section of this week's Kickstart, too:

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Move, Bitch, Get Out the Way

Sasha Baron Cohen is the king of physical comedy.



Don't worry, she's not really dead.

Keeping with the British theme, this week's inspiration is also from across the pond. And Vanessa Knowles might be the tastiest thing to come from the British Isles since single malt scotch.

Let's go.

Nowhere to Hide

Who takes the room service tray out into the hallway while they're buck naked? And who doesn't do the deadbolt trick to keep the door from shutting?

Well, this guy, I guess.

Monday Kickstart: High Maintenance

At this point, the Xbox/Microsoft jokes are just bullets fired into a dead body. That doesn't mean they're not still funny, though.

For motivation this week, say hello to Ms. Sara Lee Saleh:

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Ready or Not

Never try to prank a licensed gun owner.



Maybe I'm just a realist by heart, but with all of the prank videos that litter the internet these days, I've often wondered how this exact scenario was never playing out. How often does the the would-be prankster do such a shitty job of hiding either himself (I mean, you thought the piece of his costume hanging outside of the trunk was what was going to give him away, right?) or the camera that he or she is instantly caught? And then, of course, those videos are rarely uploaded to the internet, because no one wants to show themselves failing. So thank god this guy didn't even bother to stop for his camera on the way out the door. His ownage needed to be properly documented and published. Science demanded it.

Now, to switch gears from fails to indisputable wins, we give you this week's inspiration—the one-and-only Mila Kunis, recently voted FHM's "Sexiest Woman in the World":

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Grab Your Joystick

It's in French, so be prepared to read subtitles (unless, of course, you speak French). But it's worth it.



Truth be told, my go-to move in the bedroom is the ol' "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start".

This week, we'll let the lovely Shelby Chesnes provide the inspiration:

Well done, Shelby. Well done.

Monday Kickstart: Sucker for Love

There are two ways to look at this video:

1. This guy thought it would be a pretty funny prank to randomly ask women to marry him.
2. This guy is ingeniously taking on the blatant hypocrisy that exists in our society, wherein reality TV shows like The Bachelor boil down love into 12 hour-long increments and turn marriage into a game show prize, but conservatives blindly babble about the sanctity of the institution as a means to cover up their discrimination against gay and lesbian couples.

As you may have guessed, I’m going with #2 on this one.


That being said, I will gladly get on one knee for Angie Vu Ha. Or as many knees as it takes.

Twice as nice. Having that waiting at home would help any man through a Monday. Or a Tuesday. Or Wednesday, or...

Monday Kickstart: Homey Don't Play That

You can tell me this will get old some day. But I won't believe you. I'll never believe you.

Other things that will never get old: selfies...Leola Bell...selfies by Leola Bell...

Yup. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Happy Endings & New Beginnings

Don't, worry, this is the last election-related thing I'll be posting. Probably. I think. I mean, if someone comes along with another great picture, etc., I can't guarantee I won't post it. Especially with Fox News and the GOP insisting that the only reason minority voters backed Obama is that we want food stamps and grape soda.

Onto much more progressive pursuits, though, such as beautiful women showing pride in their bodies. This week we turn to Stephy C (who also, apparently, goes by "Mariela Henderson"...it's Monday and she's way too hot for me to ask or care about why):

Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to get back to basics...

Hiromi Oshima on WhoSay