Too Real

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go back in time and talk to your former self? Well, if technology ever gives you the chance to do it...maybe you shouldn't.

John Hancock

All I'm going to say is, I'm shocked a certain ex of mine never tried employing this technique.

Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe

All I know is, neither one of them is having any of Ray Rice's shit. None of it.

Weapons Hot

Colbert is an OG. I'm kind of sad to see him take over for Letterman, because there's no way CBS will let him be as good as he is on The Colbert Report.

The Colbert Report
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Bitchy Resting Face

Looks can be deceiving. So take the time to make sure that the person in front of you really is a bitch. Or an asshole.

Monday Kickstart: Back in Action

From Tastefully Offensive:

As part of their "Sonic Evolution" project, the Seattle Symphony invited Rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot to perform his 1992 hit song 'Baby Got Back' at the Benaroya Hall in Seattle, Washington.

Seattle women give zero fucks. And I love them for it. I thought two, maybe three women would come up to the stage. Instead he got so many that it looked like the stage might collapse. If that doesn't put a smile on your face this morning, nothing will.

...Though this week's inspiration is surely up to the challenge. She's Ms. Stefanie Knight, and she's the kind of gal Mix-A-Lot can certainly appreciate:

Let's go.

Violence is Violence

There's a women's movement going on in the US right now, and in many ways it's righteous, necessary, and frankly overdue. One of the problems with this and most other waves of "pro-woman" social activism, though, is that the tone quickly shifts from "Men who abuse/rape/marginalize women are wrong" to "All men are evil." A hypocrisy takes over, wherein all women are absolved of wrong because they're women, and all men are charged with crimes of inhumanity because they're men.

If you've been keeping up with the #YesAllWomen tag on Twitter today, you've seen the evil that some men can do. But the world is much too complicated of a place to to trace the line between the genders and claim it to also be the dividing line between wrong and right. Not all men are rapists. Not all women are innocent. Just as there are evil, asshole men out there that make life that much more difficult for the good guys, there are evil, asshole women out there who make life that much more difficult for the good gals.

From BuzzFeed:

DareLondon set up a hidden camera experiment to see how strangers would react to seeing domestic abuse for ManKind’s #ViolenceIsViolence campaign.

A couple (portrayed by actors) in a London park get into a heated argument and things begin to get out of hand. The man begins to physically abuse his “girlfriend.” Onlookers immediately notice and take action. One woman even walks up to the guy yelling, “What’s wrong with you?”

...Then the situation changes. The actors recreate the same scenario, except this time the woman is abusing the man.

I never have hit a woman, nor could I ever envision myself doing so. And most of the guys I know are of the same mold. But I've seen women take advantage of that, and get away with murder in return. I once saw a woman throw heavy, glass objects at the head of her boyfriend—knowing he'd had severe head injuries in the past—and show zero remorse for it. She wasn't in danger or defending herself in any way when she decided to risk maiming/killing the man she claimed to love; they were having an argument and he, a small guy only slightly bigger than her, was 10 feet away, making no physically threatening movements.

By all definitions of justice, she should have gotten her ass kicked that night. But she was dating a good guy, and she knew there would be no physical retribution for her actions. So he dodged the ashtray and candlestick, and kept himself 10 feet away from her. And when the police arrived, he was the one who had to leave the home they shared, and he was threatened with a night in jail.

Despite having witnessed this episode, I know better than to identify all women as crazy bitches who will try to escalate an altercation from verbal to physical, all because they have the upperhand in the court of public opinion. It's unfair to those who strive to act right when you paint them with the same brush as those who've failed to live up to that standard. For years now we've striven to eradicate stereotypes and profiling techniques that characterize someone as lazy, criminal, or uneducated solely because of his or her skin color. So why doesn't the same moderation and reasoning get applied when the issue is one of gender?

Is abuse wrong because the person getting hit is innocent, or because the person getting hit is a woman? This is 2014, when old-fashioned gender roles are steadily being rewritten. Does this mean that if a lesbian beats her partner to within an inch of her life, the whole thing doesn't merit a 911 call? And if a gay man shoves his husband, does he get thrown in jail? Maybe action should be the balancing point for the scales of justice, not gender? Maybe, we should just refer to the wisdom of Chris Rock:

Have a Seat

If you want proof that there's karma in this world, then watch this video. Somewhere in Montreal is a woman who'll think twice about banging on the glass at a hockey game.



From Sports Grid.

V to Shining V

I love me some Sarah. And everything she says here is 100.



(For more information on how you can get involved, visit http://www.ladypartsjustice.com.)

Thirst Generation

Consider this a bit of recon work, fellas.



My girl Stevie with the assist.

The Japanese Love Industry

If, after watching this video, your first instinct is going to be to ask me why I haven't moved to Japan, let me just answer the question ahead of time: I don't know. Tokyo looks like it would be my playground. Sushi! Beautiful, single Japanese women in their 20s and 30s who are so focused on making their own money that none of them have any designs on being in a relationship! Cuddle cafes! (...forget I said that. No! Shut up! Didn't happen!)

Get Some

This is pure truth in video form. (The fellas might not agree with me at first, but just hold on 'til the end.)

Sex Scientists - watch more funny videos

The Perfect Date

Life's all about perspective, folks.

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Advise

I hate a lot of things in this world. Fox News. The University of Alabama. Facebook moms. Well inside my top-10, though? Women who write dating advice columns.

There was a time some years ago when every few hours I seemed to come across an aspiring female columnist’s ham-fisted attempt at grasping the social interactions between the sexes. I had to train myself to stay away from giving these spewers of mind-numbingly stupid “journalism” the satisfaction of my page hits, for the betterment of my sanity.

The “advice” they give to women is the blind leading the blind—and, in fact, quite possibly the purest example of the cliché that exists in the physical form. These girls (and I don’t use that term pejoratively; quite often these are young women only a few months removed from college) know absolutely nothing about how men think or feel, but still feel unfounded confidence in their ability to coach their peers on the subject.

Sometimes, though, they’ll turn their attention to male readers. And sometimes, this is actually a good thing. A woman who knows nothing about men preaching to other women is just promoting ignorance; but, odds are, she knows something about women, and so offering men a glimpse into her own mind is actually helpful. But the worst manifestation of this shell game is the advice columnist who tries to explain men’s thoughts and feelings to men.

Case in point: “The 10 mixed messages women will hate you for,” by some woman (I’m not even going to give her the SEO advantages of printing her name on our page. But I will direct the rest of this post towards her, for the benefit of others headed down her path...)

*clears throat*

Are you clinically insane? Or are you just so naively narcissistic that you can’t see the absurdity of your plan? You’ve spent at least half of your 20something years on this planet misreading men’s signals, and now you’re going to wag your finger at us from the mountaintop? [ok, it’s Thrillist…it’s more like a hilltop in the suburbs.] Let’s break down this drivel piece-by-piece (pink shading added for my own enjoyment):

Generally, well-adjusted women are cool with keeping things breezy. What we're not on board with is being jerked around (also, socks with sandals.) Here're the 10 things that will mislead and lure her into a relationship neither of you want.

Would it come off as snarky if I were to point out that people who refer to themselves as “well-adjusted” typically aren’t? It would? Okay then…

• Concern. Did you help her when she got locked out of her apartment? Text her to see if she got home OK? You're nicing your way into being a jerk.

Yup, fellas, she shot herself in the foot before she even drew her gun from her holster. Showing concern is being a “jerk”? I can’t even… Okay, being a decent HUMAN BEING is out the window. What else you got?

• 2-or-10. Rip two months off your Family Guy calendar or surpass 10 things-that-might-resemble-dates -- whichever comes first -- and you've lost the right to casually end things.

If you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t already realize this, then he probably picked you up at the bar with the help of Buzzfeed. And he’s probably an even bigger fan of Jersey Shore than you are. Newsflash, Ms. Columnista: All non-‘roid-raging guys know this. Hell, we time each other’s affairs. It’s like a shot clock; it doesn’t have to be flashing red for everyone on the court to know it’s ticking.

• Digital imprint. If she was listed as anything other than "(Bar where you met) Amy" in your phone, or if her picture came up when she called you, you're probably leading her to think you really care.

I really might quit already. Because now I feel like you’re not 20something, you’re 70something. And I don’t have the heart to rant against someone’s grandmother.

But I’ll press on. First, 90% of men on the planet don’t actually use the “(Bar where you met) name” technique, because (A.) we don’t keep a “Rolodex o’slores” and (B.) we’re not Nicholas Sparks characters. Second, have your grandkid show you how a smartphone works. If we’re connected through Facebook, Twitter, Black People Meet, whatever, the phone is going to add a profile picture to the number itself. #science

• Just because. If you texted or called to see how her day went. Don't do it.

If we’re trying to stay cas’, we’re only sending texts when we want sex. If you get that text at 2 a.m., we want sex. If you get it at 2 p.m., we want sex. If you got it and interpreted it as, “He really wants to know how my day went,”…we wanted sex.

• Associations. Telling her that you saw (fill in the blank thing) and it made you think of her is sweet. Now she has something to associate with her future hatred of you, awwww.

Again, no man uses this unwittingly. Your article was supposedly aimed at informing guys of their mistakes, but this is never a mistake. This is now clearly a case of a jilted lover venting her frustrations over her personal life. And you appear to be dealing with professional dickheads in your personal life.

But I suppose I should have figured that out from your very first bullet point. Fair enough…

• Biographical details. Meeting her at a place where her friends happen to be is one thing. Knowing that Megan's the one in Ad Sales and what year her brother is at Fordham's another.

I get the feeling we’re going to be hovering around the same point for a while here. Professional hitmen; not naïve dolts. Also, if we’ve learned details about your friend, it’s because we want to have sex with her, too. Either a threesome, or just on the low, after you’ve filled her ear with enough bragging about our sex.

• Future plans. Worse than hanging out with her mid-week or in daylight hours is making plans for anything more than 48hrs away. If you talked about what you guys'd do "this weekend", that's on you, brotha.
• Artifacts. Property transfer -- be it clothing left at each others' places or gifts exchanged -- insinuates commitment.
• Affection. Spooning when you're done could be construed as casual. Forehead kisses and hand-holding can not.
• Familiarity. If your buddies, roommates, or doorman could recognize her without you, your casual relationship is more relationship than casual.

Yeah, you’ve lost your focus in entirety. None of these are things a guy who doesn’t want to be with you does by accident. Either he’s doing it because he likes you, or he’s doing it because he’s systematically playing you. If it’s the latter, none of these “tips” matter to him. He knows he’s doing them. He’s doing them to three other girls simultaneously, and your friend Megan is one of them. And if he truly liked you, well these musings of yours still don't apply to him. And the fact that the relationship wasn’t casual anymore isn't what made him stop liking you.

Maybe you should spend some time thinking about that before you go bestowing "wisdom" on others?

Make-Ups to Wake-Ups

Mini of Mexico knows how to get a woman's attention.

Just because it's sexist, doesn't mean it's not true. From Autoblog:

Publicis, the advertising agency used by Mini in Mexico, came up with an inventive (or offensive, depending on your point of view) way of reminding female drivers "that there's a time and place for everything." And while we're not quite sure of the veracity of the statistics cited in the video below, or even the necessity of its production in general, perhaps we'll just take it as a reminder to pay attention while driving... no matter what else happens to be on our minds. Or faces, as it were.

Fail the Seven Seas

From MSN.com:

A women's group in southwest England had an embarrassing encounter at a recent meeting when members misinterpreted the idea behind a visiting speaker's talk about pirates.

The Parkham Women's Institute, a venerable institution traditionally devoted to home-spun handicrafts and good works, decided to get into the spirit of Captain Colin Darch's talk by dressing in pirate garb. Neckerchiefs, eye patches and pirate hats were widely sported, with a toy parrot thrown in for good measure.

Unfortunately, Captain Darch's topic focused on his 2008 ordeal at the hands of Somali pirates in the Indian Ocean, when he was held hostage for more than six weeks.

Somewhere out there, a feminist has her face planted firmly in her palm.

All the Single Ladies

Kristen Schaal absolutely, incontestably killed it last night on The Daily Show. So much rofls...

The Daily Show
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