Happy New Years, Bitches

Hope you're doing it up right (and responsibly) tonight. Hope your 2013 is all that and more. Let's get it.

Monday Kickstart: Just Plane Dangerous

As if driving in Russia wasn't treacheroua enough, now motorists over there have planes coming at them. Watch the right side of the screen.




And now, for your New Year's inspiration, Ms. Sofia Vergara:

Every year should start off so MMMmm. Let's go.

Respect My Gangsta: Russell Simmons

At first, I was on the fence with this one. I've got a lifetime of respect for Russell, of course. But this photo is just begging to be clowned. Nevertheless, I can't hate. I can laugh all I want, but he's still the one loving life.

From The Huffington Post:

Talk about a drama-free divorce.

Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, 55, soaked up the sun with his 26-year-old girlfriend, Hana Nitsche, and his ex-wife Kimora Lee, 37, who both stunned in tiny bikinis

The trio, along with the former couple's daughters, enjoyed the beach in St Barths on Dec. 24. Simmons and Lee finalized their divorce in 2009, and they've stayed surprisingly close since the split.

I mean...Kimora's got 11 years on his current girl—who's no slacker—and she's still hotter. It's not even close. If he's working out menage-a-boogies with his ex-wife and his current girl, I think by rule everyone else on the planet has to stop lying on their pimp game.

In the Event of a Water Landing

Okay, two confessions:

(1.) My first thought while watching this was, "Psshhh... White people."
(2.) That sentiment came (mostly) from a jealous place.

Walk it Out

I bet right before she hits the start button on the treadmill, she's all like, "What's up? Whatcha got goin' on right there? Excercisin' on a treadmill, huh? Yeah, guess what: You're doing it wrong."

Throwback Thursday: "Where Was Heaven" -- Wu-Syndicate

Wu had a whole family of acts at one point. Although Wu-Syndicate started off with much promise on the strength of this, its debut track, they never really went anywhere.

Ho and Ho...

Merry Xmas from the folks at Crooked Straight. Hope you unwrap something fun this year.

Frosty the SnowmaaaaaoootherFUCKER!

Thoughts as I watched this:

1. I love New York women.
2. I love yoga pants (admittedly, those two thoughts came from the same scene...).
3. Guys in New York are light on their feet.
4. Seeing complete strangers getting the piss scared out of them has to get old eventually, but I have absolutely no idea when that day will come. It doesn't even feel like it's anywhere near being within shouting distance.

Throwback Thursday: "Word on the Street" -- Inspectah Deck

There was once a time when any new solo release by a member of the Wu was seen as a potential classic. That faded not long after Deck's "Uncontrolled Substance" made everyone realize that not every album by the Shaolin emcees was going to be a "Purple Tape". But, despite the rest of the disc being lackluster, this track still bumped better than most, and Deck keeps things moving along briskly.

Respect My Gangsta: Some Bloke in Brighton

There's a fella working in Brighton, England, who sets up the city's Christmas lights. And he absolutely hates his job. And he's an evil genius.

Monday Kickstart: Better Than Expected

Sometimes the best things in life aren't planned.


And sometimes the best things in life are Claire Sinclair:

Actually, most of the time the best things in life are Claire Sinclair. Let's go.

Cartoon Violence

Blah, blah, blah, bad conduct to endorse and/or condone, blah...

Now that that's out of the way...this is great. If I was King of the World, the law would say fighting in public is okay, so long as both parties are wearing goofy costumes during the encounter.


From Yardbarker:

The mascots for two Louisville high school basketball teams (Manuel High & Male High) brawled on the court during a meeting between the two schools last Friday. The two were supposed to engage in a friendly “duel” at midcourt during a break in the action, but it turned serious when one of the mascots tried to drop kick the other.

The packed gym roared as the two duked it out on the parquet before the game eventually resumed, but students of each respective school reportedly were in involved in fights in the parking lot after the game.

Fights in school and in parking lots, isn’t that the true spirit of high school?

I couldn't agree more. Now, can we move on to discussing why there's a high school in Kentucky called Male High?

Xmas List 2012: MollaSpace Playing Cards

Here's something for your balla-ass card table. The faces of these cards are transparent, allowing you to see straight through them; but the backs are still opaque, keeping your hand hidden.

This new and unique deck of cards is transparent, allowing one to see through the poker face images, but also magically hides the back graphics so no one can cheat!!

$10 is expensive when it comes to a deck of cards, so don't half ass it; don't go dealing out these bad boys on the broken down old folding card table that your grandparents gave to you when they were clearing junk from the 1950s out their garage. These cards are for those sipping-cognac-from-big-ass-snifters-and-smoking-Cubans nights.

Or the playing-strip-poker-with-some-smoking-Cubans nights...

Monday Kickstart: Homey Don't Play That

You can tell me this will get old some day. But I won't believe you. I'll never believe you.

Other things that will never get old: selfies...Leola Bell...selfies by Leola Bell...

Yup. Let's go.

The Cool Kids

"The pep rally gonna be sick, though."

You wish your favorite NFL team was as cool as the Houston Texans. From Shutdown Corner:

When the Houston Texans travel to meet the New England Patriots this weekend, they'll look a bit like something right out of "Friday Night Lights." That's because every Texans player will be wearing custom-made letterman jackets, with the Texans' logo, each player's number, and each player's position.

Defensive tackle Shaun Cody came up with the idea, and told his good friend, linebacker Connor Barwin. They brought Jay Brunetti, the team's director of equipment services, on board, and the Houston Texans letterman jacket was born. Brunetti put them in touch with a local company called Bull Shirts, who were able to get the jackets done on short notice.

My buddy T.C. may feel a bit pissed hearing this news; several years ago he struck upon the idea for a letterman jacket party, where everyone partied wearing their high school threads. He and Dupa set up a party at a small sports bar, and 20 or so of us showed up in letterman jackets and high school regalia, and spent the night sharing war stories and decades-old bragging rights over beers and shots.

But he never thought to really capitalize financially.

The idea is simply brilliant. As Doug Farrar at Shutdown points out, the potential for apparel companies to cash in is limitless; but, beyond that, this is the type of signature moment the Texans have needed: something that makes them catch in the mind of NFL fans. Every team aspiring to become a new power player needs that. The Texans have worked hard to prove on the field that they deserve to be considered among the NFL's elite. Now they look the part when off the field, too. Their cool has finally caught up.

Yuletide X

I know this is old by now. It sucks having a job where I'm too busy to get stuff like this posted in a timely fashion. On the other hand, in today's economy, simply having a job is a godsend.

Credit due to TJ, who sent this to me earlier this week when it blew up. The only way this clip could have been better, would have been if it had ended with X shouting "Merry FUCKING Christmas!" over gunshots.

Lost and Found

"The goat! The goat, you bastard!"

Like a Glove!

If there's anything more stereotypical than this German guy's haircut, someone please let me know.

Monday Kickstart: RAWRing Back

Yes, I know it’s now Tuesday night. I’m a C.P.T. All-Star.



Actually, I have a legitimate excuse for my delay. This week I began working for a brand new organization, and between the extra focus required to get things running smoothly and the untested-waters of our management’s internet-use policies, I’ve steered clear of much of the internet and social media during working hours. Fear not, though, dear reader: I hope to keep bringing you nonsense such as the above, and much more, for years to come.

And now, the inspiration that has been so lacking in your week thus far, Ms. Sandy Garza:

I think you’ll agree, ladies and gentlemen, that she’s well worth the wait. Let’s go.

It's the Weekend

Time to sit back and enjoy the ride...

Throwback Thursday: "Honey [Bad Boy Remix]" -- Mariah Carey ft. Mase, The LOX, & Puff

I've said before that 1997 was Mariah's peak, and this video does nothing to change my mind. '97 MC was like the '06 Kobe Bryant of Pop/R&B singers.

The song itself is nothing groundbreaking; it came at the height of Bad Boy's "shiny suit" days. And Mase, Jada, and Styles P treated their verses like the last day of work before Christmas, doing just the minimum required of them. But I'll tell you this: This looks like one of the more fun videos to be a part of. I'm always a sucker for a clip where everyone's just goofing off and not mean-mugging the camera like they're about to go to war with Liam Neeson in an Eastern European brothel.

Andrecare

I have the utmost respect for someone willing to stand in public and commit to a joke like this. Fantastic work here by Eric Andre, who puts the "care" in healthcare.

Free Mammograms with Eric Andre - watch more funny videos

Hello

If you haven't read any of Rembert Browne's work at Grantland and don't follow him on Twitter, you don't know what you're missing. Here's a small peek, as he analyzes the creepiest Lionel Richie video ever.


TJ with the assist.

Ghost Protocol

If you're riding an elevator and the lights cut out...well, I hope you're wearing something that's machine washable.

Train's A'Comin...

...and you're standing on the tracks, youngin'.


TJ with the assist.

Monday Kickstart: In the Zone

Every guy (and probably a few gals) can relate to this video. But not me, though *cough*...


Your inspiration this week comes from Ms. Casey Connelly:

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Swaggy Cougar

That's Jenny McCarthy doing her best to rape Justin Bieber onstage at the American Music Awards last night. How many things do I hate about this?

1. Justin Beiber.
2. Justin Beiber winning awards for being Justin Beiber.
3. Jenny McCarthy now being considered a cougar (man getting old sucks).
4. Justin Beiber (it's worth counting twice).
   

And now, Brooklyn Decker:

Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to be a model employee...

Snakes on a Soundstage

Hayden Panettiere—all 5'2" of her—just owned the shit out of Michael Strahan.

All the Single Ladies

Kristen Schaal absolutely, incontestably killed it last night on The Daily Show. So much rofls...

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Throwback Thursday: "The City is Mine" -- Jay-Z ft. Blackstreet

I've always maintained that this beat would have been much better with a slower tempo, or simply by taking out the underlying bass line. If only he'd thought to call me back in '98...

Respect My Gangsta: Robert De Niro

Who knows more about the importance of respect than Vito Corleone?

From the New York Post:

A spy then overheard De Niro complaining to the rapper, a fellow TriBeCa resident, about a song Jay-Z agreed to record for the Tribeca Film Festival. De Niro had reached out to discuss further details, but Jay never returned his calls.

“Bob wasn’t in any mood to make polite conversation,” the spy says. “He told Jay that if somebody calls you six times, you call them back. It doesn’t matter who you are, that is just rude.”

When Jay-Z tried to make a joke of it, saying he is terrible on the phone, a source says, “De Niro kept telling him that he thinks he’s the man, but that he was disrespectful.’ ”

“Beyoncé came over, but that didn’t calm Bob down,” the source said, adding that afterward, “It was the talk of the party. Everyone was saying there’s only one star in New York bigger and badder than Jay-Z, and that’s Robert De Niro. He can be quite scary when he’s angry.”

Leave it to De Niro to turn Jay-Hova into "Spider".

TJ with the assist.

Big Boi's is Talkin'

From a recent article by The Village Voice, about Big Boi's new album:

So lets talk label bullshit. Last album Laface was fronting on clearing Andre 3000. Is that still the case?
No, that's all cleared up now. He could've been on any song he wanted to. I gave the motherfucker about 5 songs, but I guess he was just too busy. He said he had to do some Gillette shit [room erupts in laughter]. No for real. He said he had some contractual obligations.

Ouch. Hopefully there's no real bad blood between Big Boi and Dre, and that was just a playful dig at his brother. But goddamn, that's some ownage.

Ghost Toast

This 1984 Today Show interview is almost as delicious as toast from a demonic toaster.

Respect My Gangsta: Steve Young

I almost gave the gangsta tears to Rick Reilly, for actually laughing off Young's thug. But after a second watch, I'm of the mind that Reilly's laugh was just a defense mechanism, used to distract people from the urine soaking his pants.

Hungry?

I can't...

Nowhere to Hide

This is what they call a "twofer":

An exciting play as Holy Trinity Catholic advances to the Iowa state high school volleyball championships. As the ball ricochets of the girls face, the ball trips up a student as he walks to the concession stand.

Monday Kickstart: Happy Endings & New Beginnings

Don't, worry, this is the last election-related thing I'll be posting. Probably. I think. I mean, if someone comes along with another great picture, etc., I can't guarantee I won't post it. Especially with Fox News and the GOP insisting that the only reason minority voters backed Obama is that we want food stamps and grape soda.

Onto much more progressive pursuits, though, such as beautiful women showing pride in their bodies. This week we turn to Stephy C (who also, apparently, goes by "Mariela Henderson"...it's Monday and she's way too hot for me to ask or care about why):

Let's go.

I Want it All

Have you ever wondered if it's possible for a play to go the full 110 yards—the absolute maximum possible, when the ten yards of your own end zone are included—for a touchdown?

From Bro Bible:

Forget all you know about extremely long touchdowns. Sean Landez, a high schooler from the great state of Texas, has rewritten the history books with this 109.99999-yard touchdown return off a missed field goal. It really has to be seen to be believed.

Indeed. Remember kids: always play 'til the whistle.

It's the Weekend

Time to move forward...

Throwback Thursday: "Money, Power, Respect" -- The LOX ft. Lil' Kim & DMX

For most folks outside of Yonkers, this song was their introduction to one Mr. Earl Simmons. The track was the second single off The LOX's debut album, and they showed love to their friend from around the way by putting him on their song. D caught the world's ear with his verse and unconventional flow, and a star was born.

T-Mail

Crooked Straight's most passive-aggressive blogger, TJ, has been on fire with the links today. He threw this fantastic Grantland post by Justin Halpern at me a little earlier this afternoon, and the tears of laughter on my keyboard have yet to dry.

(click image to enlarge)

Star Crossed

Don't worry buddy, easy mistake to make. After all, we all look alike. TJ with the assist ("We’ve found the whitest man in America. It’s official.").

Can't Touch This

Boom.



TJ with the assist.

Masque -- Her Aide

There's brilliant products, then there's game-changers. Masque is the latter.

Worth a 1000 Words

From The Associated Press:

"Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak goes crowd surfing with his mother Loraine, after it was announced that President Barack Obama had won re-election, Tuesday, Nov. 6, 2012, at the Minnesota DFL Party headquarters at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in downtown St. Paul, Minn. (AP Photo/The Star Tribune, David Joles)"

TJ with the assist.

"Don't Call it a Comeback..."

"...I been here four years."

Congratulations on re-election, President Obama. Now that we're done with all the nonsense, we'll let you get back to leading this great country back from the hole it was in when you took over.

Forward

Our future depends on it. Frankly, to me it's inconceivable that anyone could have watched Mitt Romney lie his way back and forth across the nation over the past 10 months and still think he has any true plan, or any leadership qualities. Meanwhile President Obama has given us healthcare, ended the war in Iraq, killed Osama Bin Laden, and saved our economy from the abyss.

But, if you're somehow still undecided, please take a moment to listen to the words of Mr. Chris Rock:

Monday Kickstart: That Voodoo You Do

There's nothing like a good prank on random, unsuspecting people going about their day.



Though I do have to question the motives of guys who spend their day trying to prank people for internet videos. Seems a little...suspect.

Whether you believe in voodoo or not, though, I think you'll agree: Playboy's Miss February 2011, Kylie Johnson, is more than capable of casting a spell on all who lay eyes on her.

Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to mark your territory...

F.O.H.: Nana Gouvêa

If you know me, you know I've got nothing but love for beautiful women, Brazil, and Playboy bunnies. So, as you might guess, a beautiful Brazilian woman who's posed for Playboy would have to do something pretty fucked up to earn a "Fuck Outta Here" post.

From Yahoo! News:

Here's one way to get noticed: After Hurricane Sandy left New York City in utter chaos, a former Brazilian Playboy model used the devastation as a backdrop for a series of glamour shots, enraging many people in the process.

In a long-sleeved black top, leggings, and black ankle boots, Nana Gouvêa can be seen striking a dramatic wide-legged pose -- think Angelina Jolie at the Oscars -- in front of a gigantic toppled tree and a stranded moving truck. In another image, Gouvêa uses broken branches to balance herself on the hood of a smashed silver BMW.

Really?

Gouvêa's excuse (for, you know, posing for glamour shots in the same disaster zone where people are injured and suffering)? She and her husband, the photographer, had been in their apartment with no power, and had become bored.

Hey, Nana: Next time, maybe you and your hubby should try lending a helping hand to those human props in the background of your impromptu photoshoot, who are struggling to repair their damaged lives?

Fuck outta here...

Throwback Thursday: "What You Want" -- Mase ft. Total

Yes, youngin', there was once a time when Mase had a hit album (that time was 1997-1998, when Harlem World reigned supreme). And this track was one of the first singles off of that album, a smooth speaker thumper that (a.) highlighted the lighthearted appeal of both Mase and most of the Bad Boy lineup, and (b.) gave Puff an excuse to fill a video with fine women in lingerie.

And you can't be mad at that.

Sticky Fingaz

Jalen Rose is a damn fool. I can't...

You Asked for It

I hate MMA. It's a bunch of sweaty guys hitting and/or wrestling with each other. I have nothing against homosexuality, but it's all just a little too Freudian for my tastes. And it's incredibly ironic when homophobic people talk about how much they love MMA fighting.

That being said, there is one good thing about MMA: The occasional clip where a jackass gets completely owned. Case in point:

Taken

If you ever find yourself on a subway in Hungary—or just around a gypsy—keep a tight grip on your iPhone.

Stalkerazzi: Halloween 2012

Here's just a quick sampling of some of this weekend's celeb Halloween costumes. Diddy's might be the best, for sheer comedy. But Jessica White's...damn.

Diddy (as Prince)

Cassie (as Cleopatra, with Diddy)

Jessica White (as...the woman of my dreams?)

Kanye and Kim (as Thurston Howell—I'm guessing—and a mermaid)

(...who knew it was possible for Kim to wear MORE makeup?)

Alessandra Ambrosio (as the hottest Russian general I've ever seen)

Fergie (as a kitteh)

The Life

...I wish I lived it. Here's Will Smith—with the help of Doug E. Fresh—spitting a freestyle at Gabrielle Union's 40th birthday party.



TJ with the assist.

Here in this Diary

The folks at College Humor may just be onto something here. It explains so, so much.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Monday Kickstart: Head for the Hills

Weather forecasters these days are almost as interested in hysteria as political strategists, so it's tough to believe all of these "perfect storm" stories that have been thrown at us over the past 72 hours. That being said, I'm hoping it's all just hype. New York City was partially evacuated, after all (the picture above is the last train out of Grand Central). I have peoples throughout the Eastern seaboard, and I hope they make it through unscathed.

And since we're all in need of warm, distracting thoughts this week, there's no better motivation than Roxanne Dawn:

Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to get back to basics...

Hiromi Oshima on WhoSay

When Johnny Comes Marching Home

War is hell.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Indecent Proposal

You've probably seen it by now. But even if you have, it's worth another watch. Colbert just killed "The Donald" like a dog in the street.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Donald Trump's October Surprise
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

"My President is Black..."

...and as I'm sure Katy will attest, you never go back. (What up though, girl?)

From The Huffington Post:

Katy Perry's doing her best get-out-the vote effort: At a rally for President Barack Obama, she wore a tight white dress imprinted like a ballot, and a square box on her right hip filled in the names of Obama and Joe Biden.

Perry gave a free concert at a park in a historically minority neighborhood just northwest of downtown Las Vegas to screaming fans at about 9 p.m., the same time Air Force One landed at McCarran International Airport across town.

Throwback Thursday: "4 Da Fam" -- Amil ft. Jay-Z, Memphis Bleek, & Beanie Sigel

I'm a little conflicted in using this as a Throwback post. On the one hand, I love this track. Memph's opening verse especially, while not lyrically-complex, never ceases to get me amped up. But on the other hand, this is the "radio edit", which has so many parts cut out that it'll make you think your speakers are on the fritz. If you're not sitting near uptight people and want to blast the true, uncensored version of this track, click here. Otherwise, just try to rock with it. That 2000 Roc-A-Fella vibe was vicious.

Dearly Departed

This is just one of the many reasons why I love my friends. The following is a random conversation that started between four of us on Twitter earlier today (with some slight editing done for grammar and format). This is what happens when you open the floor for discussion between W&J grads. It doesn't matter if it's just the guys shooting the shit, or if our female cohorts (Alex, for instance) are involved. Shit. Gets. Real.

Joe: "My greatest fear is that, somewhere, someone is pointing at a picture of my girlfriend, as karma rears its ugly head. I fear that 30 years from now, I will be attending a reunion somewhere and will be the subject of snickers and points."

Me: "I've always said that about 'Heart Break'. I mean...some poor guy MARRIED her. lol. He has no clue."

Joe: "Same here. I see some poor guys who have married some fellow alumni and I... *bites lip to keep from laughing*"

Alex: "I feel fairly certain that will happen to me regardless."

Me: "I think you'll be okay. Def not in same class of gals as I'm talking about (and I use the term 'class' loosely)."

Alex: "Their class isn't the only thing that's loose..."

Armo: "I live in Heart Break's old house, and sometimes I feel a chill of cold air go by, and a phantom itch."

Me: "...and hear the somber groan of a deceased vagina."

Joe: "Deceased? It lived more in four years than I will in a thousand lifetimes. If we were 10 years younger, it would've trended on Twitter."

Alex: "I seriously have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing."

Joe: "It probably deserves a Facebook memorial page, too."

Alex: "I'm thinking blog...Diaries of a Deceased Vagina."

Armo: "The Vagina Eulogies? #OffBroadway"

Joe: "Think of all the young men it touched. Made so many people happy. Like the Jerry Lewis of vaginas."

Tail Report: Priyanka Chopra

If you don't know who Priyanka is, then you probably don't watch Bollywood. And if you're a CS regular...you don't know who Priyanka is. I certainly didn't before finding this fantastic gallery put together by the folks at Bro Bible of the smoking hot Miss Chopra modeling 15 different NFL jerseys (I've included some of these pictures below). I may ask her to wear the one above for our wedding ceremony.