Yes, All Quarterbacks

Sure, having a PR job for an NFL team might sound like a fun job. But when you're faced with the brutal reality of those big, looming athletes being helplessly surrounded by merciless savages wearing press badges, you see things in a whole new light.

No Facts League

The more they try, the more the NFL just can't get anything right.

Worst graphic ever? 1) It's two planes to London. 2) That's not even London. 3) Just look at the UK. #NFL pic.twitter.com/a3mK74Szej

— Matt Jones (@mr_mdjones) October 22, 2014

N Danger

By now, you've heard it. Or at least heard about it. Riley Cooper, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, got caught on camera saying, "n****r" while at a Kenny Chesney concert. There are a few different responses that this story has brought about in me, so I'll try to elaborate upon each of them.


(1.) Comedy

There's an overly-abundant amount of humor to be found in the fact that Cooper drops this word at the one place in Philadelphia where you're not very likely to spot a black person: a Kenny Chesney concert. [I said Philly, not Pittsburgh...shut up.]

In the now infamous video, we never see exactly who Cooper's talking about, or why he's so mad. It actually feels unlikely that the people he's calling "n****rs" are even of color, simply because of the circumstances. [NOTE: If the people and/or reason have been revealed by now, I apologize for my lack of research here. I've been waiting to hear something about this; but as of writing this, no one seems to have mentioned it. I admit, though, that I've been short on free time the last couple of days, and could easily have missed something.] And if Cooper really did use the word on someone who isn't black, then maybe he's just a Donald Glover disciple?

Comedy Central

(.2) Indifference

If, indeed, Cooper used the word on people who weren't black, I'm not sure I care. I actually agree 200% with the point Glover is making in that clip. Words are only words, and only have as much power as you appropriate to them. Do I like the n word? No, of course not; the fact that I say "n word" instead of the actual word is, in part, evidence of that. But it's also a product of 30+ years of being conditioned to hate it. There are, in actuality, no "bad words." There are only words that people have been told by other people that they're not supposed to say or hear. A word is only as powerful as the intentions of the person using it.

If, while walking down the street, I turn to an approaching stranger and say, "Fuck off," there's an intent to harm and/or offend that justifies anger on the stranger's part. But what if, instead, I drop my beer at the bar and say, "Fuck!" as a stranger walks past. What harm has been inflicted upon the stranger? Has blood started pouring from his ears? Has a demon sprang forth from the earth and started raping his parents? Of course not. It's a silly, outdated concept to have words you can't say.

So if Cooper used the word specifically because the people at whom he was angry were black, then this is a story. If he simply used it because he was angry at people, regardless of their race, then...so what? It's a word, and that's all.


(3.) Fear

This aspect may not be as readily apparent to the "third parties" of this story. I put that term in quotation marks because I'm being a bit abstract with it. By third party, I'm not talking only about everyone on the scene outside of Cooper and his invisible foe. I mean...anyone, anywhere, who isn't Riley Cooper and who isn't black.

Though, speaking scientifically, I'm only half black, I have always identified myself as black, without any fractional qualifiers. When you're mulatto, white people see you as "half black", and black people see you as "black*". There's an unwillingness by a white person to see you as fitting into their category. Now, the vast majority of the time, it's not a malicious attempt at ostracizing you. But its subtlety belies its power. "You're not exactly like me, so you're not equal to me."

So speaking as a black* man, I'll let all of you third parties in on our biggest fear in "post racial America": The wolf in sheep's clothing.

Look, the guys in the sheets burning crosses in the backwoods of Alabama are scary. But they are scary to me in the same way that the Taliban fighter in the mountains of Afghanistan is scary to the average person in small town America. They are extremists, living a primitive reality, and I will probably never be within their reach. And, odds are, if I ever am, I'll know that I'm putting myself in harm's way long before I'm ever actually there.

No, when it comes to terrorism, the guys who inspire the most paranoia and Hollywood storylines are the sleeper cells. The guys who live next door, that you play cards with once a month, whose kids play little league with your kids. The guys that terrify me, and who shake me to my core, are the hidden racists. The guys you work with and hang out at the bar with, who you would vouch for in a heartbeat. And, from all evidence available for review at the moment, that is Riley Cooper.

Cooper works in a profession dominated by black men. He plays a position in football where 91% of the top players last year were black. His coworkers, some of his best friends, are/were black. And none of them saw this coming. They thought they knew him, and they trusted him. And now they don't know what to make of him.

I have a lot of white friends. Some I would go to war with; an even smaller number I would die for. But, a social situation doesn't pass where there isn't a little man with a rifle standing guard in my temple, sights trained on the line, waiting for someone—anyone—to cross it. It's something I live with, that I can't imagine not living with. Every room I walk into, every smiling stranger I shake hands with, I brace myself against the unknown threat that could be lying beneath the surface. The knife you don't see cuts deeper than the one you do. And those who would be your enemies understand this better than those who only wish to be your friend.

If Riley Cooper truly harbors racist attitudes, leanings, and thoughts; if he's full of bigoted feelings that he's kept closeted until now, for the sake of his professional advancement; then let the legacy of his story be the education of those who don't live with the fear that I carry with me, everywhere I go. The fear that every black person—standing in plain sight—carries with them, everywhere they go.

The Cool Kids

"The pep rally gonna be sick, though."

You wish your favorite NFL team was as cool as the Houston Texans. From Shutdown Corner:

When the Houston Texans travel to meet the New England Patriots this weekend, they'll look a bit like something right out of "Friday Night Lights." That's because every Texans player will be wearing custom-made letterman jackets, with the Texans' logo, each player's number, and each player's position.

Defensive tackle Shaun Cody came up with the idea, and told his good friend, linebacker Connor Barwin. They brought Jay Brunetti, the team's director of equipment services, on board, and the Houston Texans letterman jacket was born. Brunetti put them in touch with a local company called Bull Shirts, who were able to get the jackets done on short notice.

My buddy T.C. may feel a bit pissed hearing this news; several years ago he struck upon the idea for a letterman jacket party, where everyone partied wearing their high school threads. He and Dupa set up a party at a small sports bar, and 20 or so of us showed up in letterman jackets and high school regalia, and spent the night sharing war stories and decades-old bragging rights over beers and shots.

But he never thought to really capitalize financially.

The idea is simply brilliant. As Doug Farrar at Shutdown points out, the potential for apparel companies to cash in is limitless; but, beyond that, this is the type of signature moment the Texans have needed: something that makes them catch in the mind of NFL fans. Every team aspiring to become a new power player needs that. The Texans have worked hard to prove on the field that they deserve to be considered among the NFL's elite. Now they look the part when off the field, too. Their cool has finally caught up.

Respect My Gangsta: Steve Young

I almost gave the gangsta tears to Rick Reilly, for actually laughing off Young's thug. But after a second watch, I'm of the mind that Reilly's laugh was just a defense mechanism, used to distract people from the urine soaking his pants.

T-Mail

Crooked Straight's most passive-aggressive blogger, TJ, has been on fire with the links today. He threw this fantastic Grantland post by Justin Halpern at me a little earlier this afternoon, and the tears of laughter on my keyboard have yet to dry.

(click image to enlarge)

Tail Report: Priyanka Chopra

If you don't know who Priyanka is, then you probably don't watch Bollywood. And if you're a CS regular...you don't know who Priyanka is. I certainly didn't before finding this fantastic gallery put together by the folks at Bro Bible of the smoking hot Miss Chopra modeling 15 different NFL jerseys (I've included some of these pictures below). I may ask her to wear the one above for our wedding ceremony.

Made for TV

Coming in 2013; HBO Films Present "Blown Call". They were the least valuable player in the nation's most popular sports league, until they took a knee for what they believed.

Starring Jay Mohr as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell; Liam Neeson as Ed Hochuli; Jeff Daniels as Bill Belichik; and Xzibit as Golden Tate.

I'm just spit-balling. But, after casually joking about it on Twitter, I'm really feeling this idea. Get at me, HBO.

An Open Letter

Dear Replacement Refs,

It’s not you, it’s us.

…Okay, that’s a lie. It’s definitely you. But it’s not your fault. From the start, you’ve been a rebound. A fling. A cheap substitute for what we used to have. You were never truly prepared for the baggage and pressure that a relationship with us would bring. But, to your credit, you stepped in enthusiastically, ready to give your all. We admire that about you, we do. We certainly can’t imagine being put in that position ourselves—one of near-certain failure—and walking forward with our heads held high. That resolve, that pluck…it’s one of the reasons we felt so comfortable with you in the beginning.

But now things have gone as far as they were ever really destined to go. This relationship, this rebound, could only last but so long. Our Ex was always expected to be back in the picture, sooner or later. We knew it. You knew it. Our Ex knew it. We couldn’t stay mad at each other forever. We’re soulmates, our Ex and us; we know each other’s quirks, flaws, and strengths better than we know our own. We’ve built something strong over the last few decades—much too strong for any trivial fight over money matters to ever erase. We belong together; we just needed some time apart to remind us of that.

And you selflessly helped us with that in-between time. You bridged the gap for us, with no designs on your own lasting happiness. Sure, deep in the back of your mind, you sheltered hope that you could overcome the PowerBall-sized odds, and that this affair would blossom into a long-term relationship. The odds were slim, but what a dream to behold: That you could replace our Ex forever, and find yourself enjoying the good life you had watched from afar for so long.

But the time has come to say goodbye. We now understand what we were meant to learn from this whole episode: That you aren’t the solution. You can’t be, no matter how much you or we want you to be. We need our Ex back. It’s what’s best for everyone.

We just hope you can bear to face us from now on.

Love always,
NFL Fans

"Sprechen sie 'Manhug'?"

It's almost that time of year again, y'all.

R.I.P. Junior Seau

Sad news has come out of San Diego today: Former NFL linebacker Junior Seau has died in an apparent suicide.

From North County Times:

Police responded to Seau's home on The Strand on Wednesday after receiving a call about a reported suicide. The San Diego County medical examiner's office said an investigator was sent to the scene.

Wood said Seau was beloved in the community and will be deeply missed.

"He was a local hero ---- he certainly gave back to the community and to the youth through his Junior Seau Foundation," Wood said. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family and friends."

Seau was one of my favorite players when I was a kid, and always struck me as one of the "good guys" in the world of sports. My condolences go out to his family and friends. He will be sorely missed.

Leadership

You can say what you want to about Ray Lewis. But no other player of this generation is this powerful of a leader. This speech was recorded this past Sunday, after the Ravens' heartbreaking loss to New England in the AFC Championship game.




UPDATE: *sigh* The NFL can suck me. Why they feel the need to keep game footage (and now postgame footage? The fuck?) off YouTube is beyond me, since it's not like they lose any money if fans watch clips somewhere other than on their own servers. And not only do they have a horrible web media device, they don't let you embed it on your own site! The best I can do is provide you this link, and apologize on behalf of common sense. Consider this a "F.O.H." post-within-a-post. To the NFL's social media "gurus": Find a new career, because you are absolutely terrible at your current one. Fuck outta here.

It's Friday

Time to shine...

Scrambling

In the narrative of American culture, the star quarterback gets the hot girl. But, if 80s movies have taught us anything, the star quarterback is also the biggest douchebag in town. So what, then, would be better karma than for that douchebag to father a child by the hot girl; for that child to be a daughter; and for that daughter to then use the blessing of a prime gene pool to grow into a beautiful woman who gets paid to parade around in very little clothing? Thus forcing the douchey star quarterback to endure years of torment from knowing his sweet babygirl is regularly eyebanged by throngs of drooling guys.

The only issue with this scenario is that one of the dads in question is Doug Flutie, who is to the "douchebag star quarterback" stereotype what Common is to gangsta rap (regardless what Fox News racists will try to tell you).

From Shutdown Corner:

There will once again be a Flutie on the New England Patriots sideline this season. No, Doug Flutie isn't coming out of retirement at the age of 48.

Instead, the former NFL quarterback's daughter, Alexa, will be making her debut as a rookie cheerleader for the Pats.

As you can see, Miss Flutie is foine. And if her dad is looking to start a support group for famous fathers of hot half-naked female professionals, then he might think to call Mark Rypien. Mark's daughter, Angela Brunell, is now a quarterback in the Lingerie Football League.

I bet there's a lot of scotch drank at those support group meetings.

Respect My Gangsta: Tandon Doss

Earlier this morning I spotted his name while doing some fantasy football research. My only inclination was to laugh at the name "Tandon". Well, I'm laughing no more, Mr. Doss. ...Sir.

From Shutdown Corner:

On the football field, Baltimore Ravens rookie Tandon Doss(notes) provides offense. When he's chilling at Five Guys, though, he's all about defense.

Before Thursday night's Ravens/Redskins game, Doss happened to see a fight at a Five Guys restaurant in Baltimore's Inner Harbor. He wasn't having it. Despite the fact that one guy had a knife, Doss intervened and broke up the fight.

Doss tweeted about the event after it happened. As you might imagine in today's apathetic society, he received some disapproval from followers who felt he had taken an unnecessary risk. His response? "Idc wat day it is I'm not gunna sit there and let someone get jumped idk where ur from but we don't do that in Indy. Ur #weaksauce". Never question a gangsta.

And then, after all of the heroism, you have this:

Doss went on to catch two passes for 28 yards Thursday night, and is one of two rookie wide receivers battling for playing time with the Ravens. If you want to judge them by their off-the-field behavior, Doss breaks up knife fights in Baltimore. Torrey Smith runs like hell when the earth shakes.

The ironic ownage of Torrey Smith is just a delicious cherry on top. Doss stepping up to exibit such unselfish bravery in defense of a stranger, without a second thought towards his own safety, is spectacular. We're constantly fed the (in my opinion overhyped) stereotype of the "diva" NFL wide receiver. Mr. Doss, more than likely, would consider that characterization to be "#weaksauce".

The Lockout is Over

Time to play some ball.

"You remind me of a girl, that I, once knew..."

So you're not quite over your ex, but she's moved on (several times); what's a guy to do?

Well, in the words of Christopher Titus, "I'm going to find a girl who looks just like you, and I'm gonna fuck her just to prove I DON'T NEED YOU!"

From omg!:

Remember that seemingly ubiquitous Old Navy ad featuring a woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to Kardashian? Well, her name is Melissa Molinaro. She's a singer/actress. And she is currently dating Reggie Bush, who in addition to being Kardashian's ex-boyfriend is also a halfback on the New Orleans Saints.

Bush and Molinaro have been dating for a few months, according to TMZ. They apparently met about two years ago, but didn't start dating until last summer, becoming "official" by Christmas.

I feel for Reggie—I do. He's had to watch Kim date Miles Austin and god-knows whoever else—all in front of cameras for her hit reality TV show—while dealing with a scandal from his college days that has resulted in the loss of his Heisman and one of his alma mater's national championships. And now Kim has announced her engagement to another pro athlete; one who, for all intents and purposes, appears to be mentally disabled (at least that's my theory about Kris Humphries; seriously, listen to him talk and tell me I'm wrong).

So to say the last year has been tough on him is fair, especially coming off the high of winning the Super Bowl in February 2010. But how long will it take before he's finally over Kim, and in the process gets over this new girl? My guess is once the NFL lockout ends, we hear an announcement that these two lovebirds are taking a break.

Then he'll have to find a girl who kind of looks like the girl who kind of looks like Kim.

NFL Rule Broken Down

If you're a little unsure of just what constitutes a legal hit in the NFL nowadays, Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe has provided a simplified, illustrated explanation via his Twitter account.

From SB Nation.

The No Fun League Strikes Again

What is it with the suits in the National Football League’s front offices and the perpetual bug up their collective ass? Any and every time a player tries to liven up the game with an innocuous celebration, the Puritans in Armani make a point of treating the act with roughly the same amount of disdain as Agent Smith felt for Neo and his band of renegades in The Matrix. For years now, these hypocritical honchos (they will endlessly focus on star players—quarterbacks in particular—when promoting an upcoming game; but they turn around and chastise those who celebrate on the field for making themselves “bigger than the game”) have repeatedly reminded fans that the NFL is no place for revelry or enjoyment. It’s a business; an open-air office where they own the monopoly when it comes to advertising and sales. The league’s outdated standpoints on conduct and entertainment have slowly strangled the last drops of extraneous joy out of the game itself (and yet we criticize the players for being “all about the money”; what, I ask you, is left other than money, when the powers-that-be are furiously opposed to you enjoying the sport you grew up loving, and are lucky enough to play for a living?).

Case in point:

Like the other 21.9 million viewers watching the Dallas Cowboys face the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday night, you probably missed it. But the brand name known for spiced rum achieved the rare feat of sneaking an advertising fastball by the NFL – in the middle of a nationally televised game, no less. During the third quarter of Dallas’ 20-16 win, Eagles tight end Brent Celek(notes) caught an 11-yard touchdown pass from Donovan McNabb(notes), then appeared to purposefully back up and align himself in front of television cameras. Putting his hands on his hips, Celek raised his right leg, mimicking a pose similar to the pirate on Captain Morgan’s label.

As far as anyone knows, it’s the first time we’ve seen that type of guerilla-style advertising campaign in an NFL end zone. And if the league has its way, it will be the last, too. The “Captain Morgan” was effectively banned this week after the league learned of a wider campaign meant to get players to repeatedly strike the pose during NFL games.

[the full article can be read here]

At first glance, you might say, “This is different—this is a company trying to promote its product on the field and that’s why it’s wrong.” But take a moment to examine the facts more closely: The money rewarded for each Captain pose would not have gone to the individuals themselves, but rather to a charity. Not only that, but a charity dedicated to helping retired players with post-football hardships. This comes at a time when the NFL is under heavy scrutiny for the lingering medical problems endured by players—including conditions as serious as brain damage—after they move on in life. By shutting down the promotion, the league has actually made two blunders:

(1.) They have further cemented themselves as wanting a field full of corporate robots instead of emotionally engaged athletes.
(2.) The NFL has taken money away from a foundation whose purpose is to aid the very corporate robots that the league has drawn criticism for endangering.

And the excuse offered by Greg Aiello (“The issue is that players are specifically prohibited under our policies from wearing, displaying, promoting or otherwise conveying their support of a commercially identified product during a game while they’re on the field”) is laughable, to say the least. The NFL has turned itself into one large marketing campaign these days—I dare you to watch a game without seeing the brand names of at least 10 different companies strategically placed on and around the players themselves, not to mention the litany of television and radio commercials that come at you during league-mandated “TV timeouts” and other breaks in the action. Yet Aiello expects us to swallow the assertion that Captain Morgan has somehow threatened the purity of sport that is the modern professional football game?

Don’t get it twisted. The real reason that the NFL didn’t like the promotion is quite simple: they weren’t in line to benefit from it in any way. No money would have poured into their already-overflowing coffers, and no publicity would be focused on them, only their lowly minions the players.

And that, in the NFL’s eyes, is truly no fun.

Cheddar Plax is Goin' Upstate

And I don't mean Buffalo. If you were planning on being cute and drafting Plaxico Burress late in your fantasy football draft—figuring you'd keep him locked up in the event he somehow ended up signing with a team midway through the season and coming out of nowhere to put up big numbers—you can now give up those plans.

From ESPN.com:

NEW YORK -- Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty Thursday to a weapons charge and agreed to a two-year prison term for accidentally shooting himself at a Manhattan nightclub.

Burress pleaded guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, a lesser charge than he initially faced. Under a plea agreement, he agreed to a two-year prison sentence and two years of supervised release.

At the very least he'll serve 20 months, in which case he would be released in April 2011.

Man I hope Al Davis is dead by then. The full article can be read here.