Thursday, August 29, 2013

Jurassic Office Park

I refuse to believe the chick didn't piss herself. I mean, there's no visual evidence—I checked. Thoroughly. But...

It's the Weekend (...For Me)

Time for a four-day weekend, bitches...

The homie Justin with the assist.

Throwback Thursday: "Stand Up" -- Ludacris ft. Shawnna

Somehow, Luda has been shut out of Throwback Thursday posts up until now. All I can do, homie, is offer my apologies. Hopefully posting this 2003 banger off of Chicken-n-Beer will help to atone.

Like last week, this is a video stocked with cameos. Can you spot Yeezy, Katt Williams, and Lauren London?

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Sneak Attwerk

Dear Miley,

If you're gonna twerkbomb, THIS is how you twerkbomb.

FYI, I can't stop watching this. Damn, guhl...

Monday, August 26, 2013

Can't Get Right

Ladies, just because you're like, really, really, ridiculously good looking, doesn't mean you're ready for the pageant scene. Stage presence is counted, too.

There's always print modeling and being my trophy wife, though.

Monday Kickstart: Coming in Hot

Because, if you jump out of an airplane and make it back to Earth safely, you deserve a reward.

This was filmed in Arizona, which makes sense. It would take living in Arizona to make someone think up something this extreme just for sheer entertainment.

I think I'll stick to the more traditional, earthbound versions of Slip 'N Slide fun, especially if Sandra Ann is there:

Let's go.

Saturday, August 24, 2013


They say ESPN manufactures headlines. They say ESPN is to reporting what Elvis was to soul music. Well..."they" may be onto something.

Yes, folks, that's an "industry leader" in journalism having a Buck Rogers makeover approved by a blogger.

#FuckOuttaHereESPN (and while we're at it, #FuckOuttaHereYahoo for reporting this garbage.)

Friday, August 23, 2013

F.O.H.: Mehow and the Babe

Is there a single part of this video that makes sense? This douchebag is a player? (Ok, a douchebag getting hot chicks does make sense in a it-happens-all-the-time-for-some-ungodly-reason kind of way. But that's typically handsome douchebags. This guy looks like a blonde burrito in hipster frames.) And this gorgeous chick is having a hard time getting guys? This douchebag calls himself "Mehow"?

Fuck outta here with this nonsense.

It's the Weekend

Time to be cold as ice...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ball Don't Lie

I don't even play pick-up ball anymore, and I can recognize each of these.

Throwback Thursday: "Slow Jamz" -- Kanye West ft. Twista & Jamie Foxx

I almost forgot about this track. Another one of the bangers off Ye's debut album, The College Dropout. And, as an early sign of Ye's star power, the video is full of cameos, most impressively by Ms. Aisha Tyler.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Tail Report: KBO First-Pitch'ers

Here are three ceremonial first pitches thrown for the Doosan Bears of the KBO, a South Korean baseball league.

I may hate baseball, but I'm still in love.

F.O.H.: Mama Garber

My boy Tennessee with the assist on this one.

From Gawker:
"My mom dancing down the isle (sic) doin what she wants having fun and being her," is how Kendra Garber of Pekin, Illinois, described this YouTube video, which was shot on her mother's wedding day.

Garber somehow managed to leave out the part where the song her mom's dancing to is her own cover of a Buckcherry song inspired by Paris Hilton's sex tape.

Which is just as well, since no mere words could ever do this footage justice.

Do yourself a favor and read the Gawker story, which includes a rebuttle in the YouTube comments section by this classy gal. Favorite part? When she brags about being a 43-year-old grandmother.

I was laughing my ass off at all of this until I caught a sudden vision of my future. Then I just put my head down and sobbed. #Murica

Damn Brandy, Damn

Let me preface this by saying that I still love Brandy the person. As for Brandy the artist, well...I pump her stuff from the 90s all the time. And I still look back fondly upon the erotic dream about her I had my junior year of high school. But to say babygirl doesn't have the star power that she used to have is putting it mildly.

From E! News:
The R&B singer was the guest performer at FNB stadium in South Africa on Saturday for Mandela Sports and Culture Day—but she wasn't given the warmest welcome. The venue, which holds 90,000 people, was almost empty as soon as she hit the stage despite being filled with people throughout the day.

After the day's countless performers, and even a soccer game, most of the attendees had headed home just ahead of her performance.

"Brandy [just] performed to an empty stadium. With the stadium lights on," tweeted a shocked South African musician, Kabomo at the time.

"People didn't know there was a concert after the games. No one knew Brandy was around. Maybe a 40 people audience ... She sulked after two songs and walked off."

Brandy reportedly sang for a crowd "of no more than 40 people," and was even cut out of the televised broadcast of the event.

SABC, the country's national TV station, ended their coverage of the concert just before the "Boy is Mine" singer hit the stage.
2013 me is laughing so hard, tears are coming out. Those tears, though, are coming from 1998 me (...he was a bitch).

Monday, August 19, 2013

I Can't...


Balls to the Face

There's a lot of people employed by Fox that I'd like to see pummeled by a tight spiral. Unfortunately, Pam Oliver isn't one of them. She took it like a soldier, though.

Kobi from 93.9 KISSFM Raleigh with the assist.

Monday Kickstart: Chick Fight

Any Family Guy fan out there will love this. Two stunt women—Jessie Graff (Chicken) and Tree O'Toole (Peter)—have recreated the famous chicken fight scene from the show.

...Am I the only one who's a little turned on right now?

Speaking of which, time for your weekly motivation. I'm going with a personal favorite of mine, Miss Brenda Song:

Let's go.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Nowhere to Hide

Who takes the room service tray out into the hallway while they're buck naked? And who doesn't do the deadbolt trick to keep the door from shutting?

Well, this guy, I guess.

It's the Weekend

Time to heat it up...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Respect My Gangsta: Russian Karate Girl

The move is badass. But the reaction she has from the second she stands back up? Pure gangsta.

Throwback Thursday: "Keep It Thoro" -- Prodigy

Once upon a time, Prodigy from Mobb Deep put out a solo album. While it went largely unnoticed by the mass record buying populace, there were a few gems on there. Personally, my favorite track was "Veteran's Memorial". But P never released it as a single or did a video for it, so I'm giving you my second favorite.

The audio-video sync quality is blah, but...fuck it.

"Did a buck off my shit and wrapped ya Audi"

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Knocking Down Walls

You crazy for this one, Daily Show!

You Have the Right to Remain Crunchy

Did I ever tell you how much I love the city of Seattle? I was there for one week in 2005, and ever since I got on the plane to come home, I've wanted to go back. I've craved it. Like one of those really, really super-intense cravings, you know? It's like, like...

(From MSNBC):
A marijuana-centric festival in Washington state this weekend will have a heavy police presence, but the cops will be a little friendlier than one might expect.

Instead of handing out summonses at Hempfest 2013, Seattle police have announced plans to hand out bags of snacks— with a message.

Seattle Police Department spokesman, Sgt. Sean Whitcomb said the department intends to use the opportunity to get the word out about their guide to Washington's new marijuana law by attaching a summarized version attached to bags of Doritos.

This sounds like a scene from a Police Academy reboot. Seattle's police department is now officially cooler than everyone else's police departments. Not that many of them have set a high bar...

Monday, August 12, 2013


I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on here. I thought this was a fake report at first, but then is Fox. Even their "real" news...well, needs quotation marks around the word "real." But between this reporter claiming there is a nude homosexual sex scene in Planes, her interviewee sounding mentally-challenged, and her dropping an f-bomb on live TV, this is one of the more bizarre clips I've ever seen.

Monday Kickstart: Father Knows Best

Don't try to prank your old man. He's seen it all and done it all. And he's done it better.

You ain't ready to run things just yet, young Skywalker. You know who is ready to run things? Carol Seleme Daniel:

Yup. I'll do anything she commands. Let's go.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Tail Report: Amina Malakona

Step aside everyone, my new wifey is coming through.

That sexy accent? That's Hungarian, son. Yeah, you read that right: HUNGARIAN. THEY MAKE GORGEOUS BLACK WOMEN IN HUNGARY.

Who knew, right?

[CORRECTION: This post previously stated that Miss Malakona was from Romania, not Hungary. I apologize for the error, ma. What can I say? I drink a lot. #love]

It's the Weekend

Time to get in where you fit in...

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Too Real

I'll warn each and every person seeing this right now: If you have an illogical hatred or discomfort with the "c-word"—and I'm not talking about "cancer", or a clever Showtime series—this may not be the post for you. Personally, I'm a huge fan of international acts like Russell Peters and Jim Jefferies, and understand that America is the only place where people are so uptight about this word. That being said, this song is too good not to share.

So open your minds. Especially the ladies. Because no matter how you feel about her choice of words, I am willing to bet millions that you've expressed this same sentiment at some point.

Throwback Thursday: "Gangsta Nation" -- Westside Connection ft. Nate Dogg

Some Left Coast love from 2003. And mami in the white business suit at the end...lawdamercy.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

"It is hard, goddamn work..."

This had to be some kind of setup, an elaborate hidden camera skit for a TV show. I just haven't figured out who or what yet.

That's enough to make Billy Hoyle proud.

Honk If You're Horny

Javale McGee is a damn fool.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Tail Report: Caitlin Wynters

After seeing her twerking skills in yesterday's post, I thought maybe the page could do with more Caitlin.

Monday Kickstart: Something for the People

The Arena Football League prides itself in being more entertaining than it's NFL counterpart. They might just be onto something.

Yes, that's a 300 lb linemen delivering The People's Elbow. That was extraordinary.

Not nearly as extraordinary, though, as Italia Faith:

Let's go.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Learning Curve

Twerking has finally crossed the pond. So FHM, with the help of expert twerker Caitlin Wynters, has given Brits a crash course on the art form.

Flotation Devices

Yeah, a lot of this is corny. But you don't care.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

N Danger

By now, you've heard it. Or at least heard about it. Riley Cooper, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, got caught on camera saying, "n****r" while at a Kenny Chesney concert. There are a few different responses that this story has brought about in me, so I'll try to elaborate upon each of them.

(1.) Comedy

There's an overly-abundant amount of humor to be found in the fact that Cooper drops this word at the one place in Philadelphia where you're not very likely to spot a black person: a Kenny Chesney concert. [I said Philly, not Pittsburgh...shut up.]

In the now infamous video, we never see exactly who Cooper's talking about, or why he's so mad. It actually feels unlikely that the people he's calling "n****rs" are even of color, simply because of the circumstances. [NOTE: If the people and/or reason have been revealed by now, I apologize for my lack of research here. I've been waiting to hear something about this; but as of writing this, no one seems to have mentioned it. I admit, though, that I've been short on free time the last couple of days, and could easily have missed something.] And if Cooper really did use the word on someone who isn't black, then maybe he's just a Donald Glover disciple?

(.2) Indifference

If, indeed, Cooper used the word on people who weren't black, I'm not sure I care. I actually agree 200% with the point Glover is making in that clip. Words are only words, and only have as much power as you appropriate to them. Do I like the n word? No, of course not; the fact that I say "n word" instead of the actual word is, in part, evidence of that. But it's also a product of 30+ years of being conditioned to hate it. There are, in actuality, no "bad words." There are only words that people have been told by other people that they're not supposed to say or hear. A word is only as powerful as the intentions of the person using it.

If, while walking down the street, I turn to an approaching stranger and say, "Fuck off," there's an intent to harm and/or offend that justifies anger on the stranger's part. But what if, instead, I drop my beer at the bar and say, "Fuck!" as a stranger walks past. What harm has been inflicted upon the stranger? Has blood started pouring from his ears? Has a demon sprang forth from the earth and started raping his parents? Of course not. It's a silly, outdated concept to have words you can't say.

So if Cooper used the word specifically because the people at whom he was angry were black, then this is a story. If he simply used it because he was angry at people, regardless of their race, what? It's a word, and that's all.

(3.) Fear

This aspect may not be as readily apparent to the "third parties" of this story. I put that term in quotation marks because I'm being a bit abstract with it. By third party, I'm not talking only about everyone on the scene outside of Cooper and his invisible foe. I mean...anyone, anywhere, who isn't Riley Cooper and who isn't black.

Though, speaking scientifically, I'm only half black, I have always identified myself as black, without any fractional qualifiers. When you're mulatto, white people see you as "half black", and black people see you as "black*". There's an unwillingness by a white person to see you as fitting into their category. Now, the vast majority of the time, it's not a malicious attempt at ostracizing you. But its subtlety belies its power. "You're not exactly like me, so you're not equal to me."

So speaking as a black* man, I'll let all of you third parties in on our biggest fear in "post racial America": The wolf in sheep's clothing.

Look, the guys in the sheets burning crosses in the backwoods of Alabama are scary. But they are scary to me in the same way that the Taliban fighter in the mountains of Afghanistan is scary to the average person in small town America. They are extremists, living a primitive reality, and I will probably never be within their reach. And, odds are, if I ever am, I'll know that I'm putting myself in harm's way long before I'm ever actually there.

No, when it comes to terrorism, the guys who inspire the most paranoia and Hollywood storylines are the sleeper cells. The guys who live next door, that you play cards with once a month, whose kids play little league with your kids. The guys that terrify me, and who shake me to my core, are the hidden racists. The guys you work with and hang out at the bar with, who you would vouch for in a heartbeat. And, from all evidence available for review at the moment, that is Riley Cooper.

Cooper works in a profession dominated by black men. He plays a position in football where 91% of the top players last year were black. His coworkers, some of his best friends, are/were black. And none of them saw this coming. They thought they knew him, and they trusted him. And now they don't know what to make of him.

I have a lot of white friends. Some I would go to war with; an even smaller number I would die for. But, a social situation doesn't pass where there isn't a little man with a rifle standing guard in my temple, sights trained on the line, waiting for someone—anyone—to cross it. It's something I live with, that I can't imagine not living with. Every room I walk into, every smiling stranger I shake hands with, I brace myself against the unknown threat that could be lying beneath the surface. The knife you don't see cuts deeper than the one you do. And those who would be your enemies understand this better than those who only wish to be your friend.

If Riley Cooper truly harbors racist attitudes, leanings, and thoughts; if he's full of bigoted feelings that he's kept closeted until now, for the sake of his professional advancement; then let the legacy of his story be the education of those who don't live with the fear that I carry with me, everywhere I go. The fear that every black person—standing in plain sight—carries with them, everywhere they go.

Throwback Thursday: "Ain't No N***a" -- Jay-Z ft. Foxy Brown

"Ain't no question, had more Black chicks between my sheets than Essence..."

Back in '96, only New York cats really knew who Jay was. And no one knew who Foxy was. Then this track started making the rounds, and was included in the soundtrack for The Nutty Professor. Not long after that Reasonable Doubt dropped, and the game was never the same again.

My girl Steph with another assist.