Rated "R" for "Ratchet"

I...

*thinks*

*walks away shaking his head*

It's the Weekend

Time to kick it old school...

Throwback Thursday: "All That I Got Is You" -- Ghostface Killah ft. Mary J. Blige

Mark this down as the saddest song that will ever appear in a "Throwback Thursday" post. These are easily the most concise Ghostface lyrics ever; ironically, they're also the most heartbreaking. It's almost as though he put aside his whole style for one verse, just to make sure every last emotion behind his words was felt by as many listeners as possible. And given that one moment to speak from the heart, Ghost just absolutely dominates your state of mind for 45 seconds, then lets Mary J.* tie a slightly-more-rosy bow around it all.


*Yes, I'm aware the video credits Tekitha with the vocals. But Mary J. sang the album version, and that's clearly what they use for the video. I'm not sure of the whole back story as to why they didn't give Mary her due, but I'm damn sure going to give it to her. She did her best to match Ghost's intensity (impossible to achieve, sure; but she came closer than anyone else could have); and, as wrenching as his lyrics are while bringing you to your knees, hers are nearly as inspiring as they breathe life in your lungs and lift your head toward the sky.

Dedicated to my beautiful mother on her birthday. Love you, lady.

Tuesday Kickstart: Bieber Don't Want None of Key

Justin Bieber can act as swaggy-bro-tough as he wants. But he's going to have to stop getting punked by every other person on the planet before anyone believes it.

From Kobi at 93.9 KISS FM in Raleigh, NC:

Former NFL star and ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson chased down a speeding Justin Bieber this weekend -- and tried to confront the singer about his dangerous driving habits -- but JB ran away like a scared little child ... eyewitnesses tell TMZ. Sources tell us ... Keyshawn had just left a party Sunday night inside of his exclusive gated community in Calabasas (with his child in the car), when Bieber zoomed by in his Ferrari at breakneck speeds. We're told Keyshawn was furious -- feeling Justin could've killed someone -- so he brought his kid home, then chased after the singer in his Prius (yes, a Prius chasing a Ferrari). When KJ got to Bieber's pad -- he blocked Justin's Ferrari in the driveway and got out of his car to confront Justin face-to-face ... but Justin ran inside of his house and refused to come out.

Out of all the comedy in this story, there's a piece of irony that strikes me especially humorous: Key's biggest flaw as a player was his speed. And now he (a.) drives a Prius, and (b.) is upset with other people going too fast.

That said, fuck Bieber.

This week's post is coming a day later, thanks to Memorial Day and my inability to lift hand to keyboard yesterday morning. Which means all of you had to go an extra day before being treated to this week's inspiration, the lovely Ms. Valerie Mason:

I'm sorry for inconveniencing you like that. No one should have to go that long without her. Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to man up...

Throwback Thursday: "Where I Wanna Be" -- Donell Jones

Let me start this post with a confession: I didn't select this song because of the song.

Don't get me wrong. This is a fantastic song. If you're too young to know who Donell Jones was, the best I can describe the situation is to say that he was Ne-Yo before Ne-Yo. Except he was actually a good-looking brother. ...He was a good-looking Ne-Yo. And this song is a wonderfully crafted look at the conflicted emotions of a man who deeply loves his woman, but wants to taste some other flavors, and doesn't want to break his woman's heart in the process.

Here's where my love for the video outshines anything Donell could've ever put into beautifully-toned words—actually, know what, I'll just let you watch the vid.



Okay, let's recap what you've just watched:

1. Donell is dating a fine-as-hell (9/10), light-skinned sister.
2. Donell wants to cheat on said fine-as-hell, light-skinned sister with other fine-as-hell women. Who wouldn't, really? (sorry ladies, it's about quantity, not quality...always)
3. Donell walks away from his fine-as-hell girlfriend to save her the pain of him cheating. Saintly man, that Donell.
4. Donell meets a fine-as-fiery-hell (9.5/10—note the distinction) mocha-skinned sister at the club. Fine-as-fiery-hell mocha-skinned sister is down with the get-down.
5. ...they get down.
6. Donell knocked the bottom out, but now misses fine-as-hell light-skinned sister, and sets out to get her back.
7. Except now she's out at a fancy restaurant with another man. (That fine-as-hell, light-skinned harlot!)
8. Donell summons her out of the restaurant, hits some smooth-ass runs on her, and wins her back...in front of fine-as-hell light-skinned's new suitor, who's still sitting at the window seat.
   

In summary: Donell is everything.

Respect My Gangsta: America's Future

How to graduate like a G.

Bitches Love Him

I've been meaning to post this for over a week. But I got busy, and...why am I even bothering to explain? It's a dog dancing to "Shake That Ass"; are you even still reading this?

Monday Kickstart: Brazil Nuts

Meanwhile, in Brazil...



Ever get the feeling people in other countries are just plain having more fun than we are? I love how this guy just strolls off through the city streets in his boxers, triumphant. Impressive, sir. (thanks to my boy Serge for the find)

Onto other impressive things...like Miss April Summers relaxing on the beach:

Yup. Let's go.

Throwback Thursday: "Funkdafied" -- Da Brat ft. Jermaine Dupri

Da Brat arrived on the scene in 1994 with this banger that went to #1 on the charts and had folks shaking asses from coast to coast. And that's appropriate, since Dupri and the So So Def label were based in Atlanta, Da Brat is from Chicago, and the song samples an Isley Brothers track—a move straight out of the Death Row/Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg playbook.

Geography can be so damn funky.

Stand and Deliver: Ronald Goedemondt

Well, damn. This Dutch comic hits this Nic Cage impression on the head.

Monday Kickstart: Respect Da Muthas

A day late, but mad real love to all da muthas.



Your inspiration for this second week of May, 2013? None other than Ms. Kelly Brook:

You're goddamn right. Let's go.

Gas'd Up

"You need the words?"
"No, I know 'em baby!"

*in tears*


That woman is a WIFEY.

UPDATE:

Just found this video from the Tonight Show, where they followed up with the two karaoke all-stars (awesomeness ensues).

It's the Weekend

Time to catch 'em sleepin'...

Tail Report: 2013 Playmate of the Year

Your 2013 Playboy PMOY: The gorgeous Raquel Pomplun. I'm feeling a little bit of personal victory on this, since Miss Pomplun was my favorite of the 2012 Playmates. The girl is beautiful from head-to-toe, and now gets to call herself the hottest thing between a Playboy's covers.

(Yes, I'll let her steal that line. Congrats Raquel!)

Throwback Thursday: "Thugz Mansion" -- 2Pac ft. Nas & J. Phoenix

Is this song really 11 years old already? Goddamn I hate getting old.

Beautiful, eloquent rhymes by Pac and Nas here—especially Mr. Jones, who had recently lost his mother and appeared to find some solace by putting his verse down over J. Phoenix's chords.

Respect My Gangsta: Treadmill Guy

You can't, so don't try. Just give it up for him.

Charles in Charge

We are all Charles Ramsey. #weateribstogether
— Jokediggy (@Jokediggy) May 7, 2013

Charles Ramsey is the definition of "trill." He's the unfiltered hero of this week's media sensation, the rescue of three Cleveland kidnapping victims. He's America. He's my family reunions. He's why the Chappelle Show was the greatest sociopolitical commentary our generation has ever known. He's why Dave eventually walked away. He's real life. He's the internet. He's why Obama's two terms are no different, racially, than Bush's two terms. He's why things are better now than they've ever been.

He's Charles Ramsey. He's real. As. Fuck.

Congrats Charles. And welcome home Amanda Berry, Georgina DeJesus, and Michele Knight.

Tail Report: Briana Evigan

I've never seen any of her movies, and judging by her IMDb page, that makes me just like 99% of the world's population. But after seeing a few of these pictures...well, I still don't want to watch those flicks. But I'd be more than willing to let her shoot a few new ones in my private studios.

Stand and Deliver: Dave Chappelle -- "Man Rape"

I wish Dave would do another show. Even now, in his lowkey state, he's still one of the kingpins of stand-up.

Let It Burn

Anyone who owns a smartphone will agree that any new source of a charge is a welcomed one. And if you're the outdoorsy type, having a trying to keep a decent charge in your phone when out in the wilderness is a whole other issue. The folks at BioLite hear you, and would like to offer a solution:

The BioLite CampStove.

Our stoves cook your meals with nothing but the twigs you collect on your journey, eliminating the need for heavy, expensive, polluting petroleum gas. Quick to light, fast to boil and easy to use.

...By converting heat from the fire into usable electricity, our stoves will recharge your phones, lights and other gadgets while you cook dinner. Unlike solar, BioLite CampStove is a true on-demand source.

So now you can use the same fire to cook your hot dogs and recharge your phone. Simply brilliant. And the entire thing is environmentally sound, using green energy.

Hell, I may buy one of these just for use at home. All I'll need is something to burn. Guess I'll start collecting the labels off my bottles of Jim Beam.

Gotta Keep 'Em Separated

More insider knowledge from Jalen Rose and the Grantland boys.


TJ with the assist.

Trey Songz (almost) x Wendy's

We all know that anytime we need a good laugh, we just have to start fucking with people in the drive-thru at any fast food spot. This young gentleman decided to go the R 'n' B route and sing his order in "Trey Songz" tone. Volume required.

 

Monday Kickstart: Ready or Not

Never try to prank a licensed gun owner.



Maybe I'm just a realist by heart, but with all of the prank videos that litter the internet these days, I've often wondered how this exact scenario was never playing out. How often does the the would-be prankster do such a shitty job of hiding either himself (I mean, you thought the piece of his costume hanging outside of the trunk was what was going to give him away, right?) or the camera that he or she is instantly caught? And then, of course, those videos are rarely uploaded to the internet, because no one wants to show themselves failing. So thank god this guy didn't even bother to stop for his camera on the way out the door. His ownage needed to be properly documented and published. Science demanded it.

Now, to switch gears from fails to indisputable wins, we give you this week's inspiration—the one-and-only Mila Kunis, recently voted FHM's "Sexiest Woman in the World":

Let's go.

It's the Weekend

Time to build your support system...

TJ with the assist.

The Wolverine

Once again starring Hugh Jackman, "The Wolverine" is set in Japan and looks like some ill shit.

Fail the Seven Seas

From MSN.com:

A women's group in southwest England had an embarrassing encounter at a recent meeting when members misinterpreted the idea behind a visiting speaker's talk about pirates.

The Parkham Women's Institute, a venerable institution traditionally devoted to home-spun handicrafts and good works, decided to get into the spirit of Captain Colin Darch's talk by dressing in pirate garb. Neckerchiefs, eye patches and pirate hats were widely sported, with a toy parrot thrown in for good measure.

Unfortunately, Captain Darch's topic focused on his 2008 ordeal at the hands of Somali pirates in the Indian Ocean, when he was held hostage for more than six weeks.

Somewhere out there, a feminist has her face planted firmly in her palm.

Throwback Thursday: "Warm It Up" -- Kris Kross

Really don't think there was any question what today's throwback would be after last night's news that Chris Kelly—a.k.a. Mac Daddy—passed away. R.I.P.

R.I.P. Chris "Mac Daddy" Kelly

The sad news just broke tonight that Kelly, half of the '90s rap duo Kris Kross, has passed at the age of 34. I know almost everyone my age was a fan of Kris Kross during their prime, and probably can recite "Jump" word-for-word. It's a shame to see him go so soon.

R.I.P.