Friday, September 21, 2012


Let's just take a little look at this story, as reported by The Huffington Post:
Suzanne Welker, 31, was reportedly performing oral sex on Ernest Felix Gonzales, 27, as he was driving an SUV on Florida's I-95 Sunday afternoon, according to WJXT-TV.
Well now... Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
The couple allegedly became irate when [they] noticed that a family was watching them from another vehicle...
Hmm...I can understand Welker getting mad, but Gonzales was too? She must not have been doing the damn thing. When the throat action is good, you couldn't even get angry at someone if he was lighting your wallet on fire—while it was in your pocket. If Welker was putting it down when she stopped to bitch about the gawkers, Gonzales' response would've just been to put his hand on the back of her head while whispering, "Shhhh..." I'm almost inclined to think most of Gonzales' rage was just misdirected frustration.
...and they followed the family for more than 10 miles before confronting them with a semiautomatic weapon.
What the what? Remember in the '80s, when it was a stereotype that everyone in Florida was on drugs? Well...

And that's just the opening paragraph. My favorite part of the tale comes a little later.
When the couple noticed the family staring, Carr says, Welker "jumped up in the seat bare butt, mooned us through the window."

Gonzalez then reportedly slowed his SUV, began to tail Carr's pickup truck, and even attempted to run him off the road and into a guardrail, according to the Florida Times-Union.

Carr ultimately pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant and bar owned by his parents. Gonzalez and Welker followed close behind. That, Carr told WJXT, is when "everything went crazy."

That's when everything went crazy? Mr. & Mrs. Freeway Fellatio mooning you, trying to run you off the road, and chasing you down into a parking lot didn't earn the "This is 50 Shades of insane" distinction in your head?

I'll be in Florida next month for a business trip. I think I'll stay off the highways, if at all possible.

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