Respect My Gangsta: Jeremy Renner

Jeremy's cold. So cold.



TJ with the assist.

Tuesday Kickstart: Generation Why?

As cool as the ads for the new Godzilla movie look, let's be real; if a giant monster really attacked today, things would probably go a little more like this Nacho Punch video.



You may have noticed the cute, buxom brunette in that video ("Guess it's back to OKCupid") and thought she looked a little familiar. That's because she's Milana Vayntrub, A.K.A. the adorable AT&T girl from their bazillion commercials. Personally, though, she won my heart during her short stint on Showtime's House of Lies, where she played Christy, a junior consultant driven insane by her boss. There's just something so sexy about a girl yelling "Sic semper tyrannis!" as she stabs her coked up boss in the thigh with a letter opener...

Here's where Milana makes things hard difficult. Naturally, a beautiful woman like her deserves to be put upon a pedestal as this week's "inspiration." But normally we like to use—to put it gently—slutiferously hoochified dirty-girl pictures. But Milana, you see, is much too demure of a young lady to have any such pictures floating around the internet for our use. This means the most innocent "inspiration" shot you'll probably ever see at Crooked Straight:

Oh well. I guess she's just saving it for our honeymoon. Let's go.

Tail Report: Scarlet Bouvier

Typically when I put together one of these Tail Reports, I'll scrounge around the internet, gathering lots of hot PG-13 pictures of that post's subject. Then, once my apple basket is full, I search on the lass' name once again, this time adding the word "nude" afterwards. You know, just for kicks. Most of the time little to nothing comes back.

Whatever the opposite of that is, that's what happened when putting together this post. All I had to do was search on her name alone, and a page full of nakey awesomeness was suddenly in front of me. I could barely find any pictures that were discrete enough to use. Ms. Bouvier not only isn't shy about being naked, I'm nearly convinced she prefers it. And I see nothing wrong with that. Be natural, girl. Be free.

Flotation Devices

Yeah, a lot of this is corny. But you don't care.

Monday Kickstart: Glitz & Glamour

You've gotta love Jennifer Lawrence. For all the pageantry, there's really only two things anyone watching the Oscars wants to see: One is for a celebrity to be human...

Created with Gifboom

...and clumsiness is about as "human" as it gets. It's just a shame that it wasn't Jennifer Hudson instead of Jennifer Lawrence. I'd love to see Hudson fall. Down steps, not up them, though. A lot of steps.

What's the other thing everyone wants to see? Oh, I think Heidi knows:

Yup. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Perspective

The executives upstanding citizens dumbasses who run the Grammys sent a memo on Wednesday warning they didn't want female stars to bare too much skin. Are they insane? Why would anyone with two logical thoughts in their brain watch the Grammys if not for a chance to see beautiful women half-nekked? It's pretty much the only reason anyone does anything ever. These shit-for-brains suits should be forever grateful to Katy Perry for ignoring their memo.

Picture courtesy of my buddy Joe.

To the people behind the memo: Shut the fuck up.

Now, for the week's motivation, well...why not just give you the only two things that were really worth mentioning at last night's Grammy Awards:

Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: Just Plane Dangerous

As if driving in Russia wasn't treacheroua enough, now motorists over there have planes coming at them. Watch the right side of the screen.




And now, for your New Year's inspiration, Ms. Sofia Vergara:

Every year should start off so MMMmm. Let's go.

Monday Kickstart: RAWRing Back

Yes, I know it’s now Tuesday night. I’m a C.P.T. All-Star.



Actually, I have a legitimate excuse for my delay. This week I began working for a brand new organization, and between the extra focus required to get things running smoothly and the untested-waters of our management’s internet-use policies, I’ve steered clear of much of the internet and social media during working hours. Fear not, though, dear reader: I hope to keep bringing you nonsense such as the above, and much more, for years to come.

And now, the inspiration that has been so lacking in your week thus far, Ms. Sandy Garza:

I think you’ll agree, ladies and gentlemen, that she’s well worth the wait. Let’s go.